Today

I would just like to start off by saying today I am thankful to God for my mother in law,Lisa, for giving me a ride today to run some (or rather, many!) errands and watching the babies while I was being seen by the midwife. Also, I'm thankful for the sweet Isbell family for providing Zeke a ride to and from school this week! And to the Seymour family for loaning us their truck while out of town, and more specifically to Crystal for her kind words - and really that goes to Farah, too!
*Trying to always give thanks!*

Today I had a regular female check up @ the OB/GYN who delivered Asher and Macie (and actually the OB who delivered Zeke now works there, but she was at a different practice when I saw her). I'm sure no woman is a fan of these kind of necessary appointments, but for me having it done there, it brings up so many emotions I don't know how to put into words. I love the phone nurse there, and overall all the nurses are pretty nice. And there's about one midwife there that I trust, or did. My feelings about their doctors and doctors in general have drastically changed over time, but mostly since the birth of Macie. Their lack of concern of women and their wishes for themself and their baby, the misleading information, how impersonal it all is makes me sick. Pregnancy and birth is one of the most beautiful experiences in life that I believe should be valued by all considering that's how we all got here. But men (or, humans, rather) have taken it over , with medicine, intervention after intervention, giving mothers misleading information. Not trusting the body that GOD DESIGNED to do what God designed it to do. I've been wanting to write Macie's birth story for sometime now. I'm just trying to get the words right, as I would like to keep my posts on the more upbeat side of things. But I am a passionate person, and I have a strong desire to do what is right. So don't confuse my passion and desire for right with something else.

I thought I could do it. I thought I'd be ok. I scheduled the appointment with that midwife who impressed me so during my pregnancy with Macie. But right away the lies started flowing from her mouth. I felt attacked, I felt fearful. Before even walking into the office I felt my blood pressure climbing, I told my MIL how nervous I was being back here after everything that went down earlier this year. Was this an unwise decision on my part to come back after everything? I was nervous, I couldn't even remember all the questions I had. She was pushing me in conversations that I don't feel comfortable having. That was the same room where everything happened this past February 15th. I looked over at the door at the pregnancy poster. I felt fear of pregnancy, I felt self doubt in myself and my body. I remember feeling that way every time I walked through those doors during my pregnancy with M. And just like old times, I felt a sense of RELIEF as I walked out those doors.

I'm going to be posting Macie's birth story very soon. Followed by Asher and Zeke's