Thursday, December 31, 2015

Things I Love About Motherhood

I was just thinking about things I love about motherhood.

I love when my children come up to me and nestle their heads in my stomach. Usually it's because they're upset or shy - but this means they trust me enough to share these feelings, that means I am a source of comfort for them.

I love when my children do/say gross things. (Not bad things, but like bodily function GROSS things.) HOLD ON - the reason being because they feel comfortable enough around me to do so. They can be themselves...they can laugh. They know I will not come down on them with anger and yelling and name calling and such. Even when I find it gross, they are still comfortable to be themselves in front of me. I want them to know how much I love them no matter what.

I love when my children ask me to lie with them while they fall asleep, holding my hand. Again, it's that I am a source of comfort. I'm someone they trust. I am someone they really love.

These may seem like mundane things, but if you knew, if only you knew where I came from, what life was like growing up, you would understand why these things matter so much to me. I love that I love my kids and they love me. Through the good and bad, through the pretty and nasty, they can be themselves with me, and I simply love that.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Today Was a Good Day!!

Sunday December 27, 2015

Today was a really good day! It's not that something in particular happened, but it was just good! We slept in and so missed church. We took our time getting ready and out the door. We ran a couple errands, had lunch, and made one "fun" stop. It was just a nice day! Everyone was getting along. There was peace, joy, happiness, contentment. I just had simple, pure fun with my family! I love my kiddos so much. I'm so grateful that I get to be their mom. My heart is overflowing with gratitude and happiness...God is good! I love my family!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas Day 2015

Thursday, Christmas Eve 

Hot chocolate and the Polar Express!

At the center of it all, Christ. <3

Christmas morning!

Christmas morning breakfast consisted of chocolate chip pancakes 
and blueberry pancakes. Yum!

No make up, no filter. Us before sledding.

Homemade apple pie!

We had a sweet Christmas at home. We stayed home all day except for a brief trip to the park for sledding. It was 19* and a tad windy, so we didn't stay for long, but I'm glad we went. The kids spent the morning opening presents and playing with them - I suppose that was our whole day, really. :) Before opening presents, we read the story of Jesus' birth and sang "Happy Birthday" to Him. We talked about how God loved us so much that He sent us the greatest gift, His son, to forgive us our sins, and so we give each other gifts as an expression of love - knowing that Christ is the best gift we could ever receive. 

I've been on the receiving end of so many wonderful gifts this year. One of the best would have to be being able to trust Christ with the unknown. And so as we move into a new year, and as I strive for personal health in all aspects, and as I wait in anticipation for something so important to me, I can trust Him with the unknown and how things will turn out. He is my all in all. I'm so thankful I have Him to go to! 

Anyways. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Eve Prayer

While tucking Asher in tonight, he said the sweetest prayer. He thanked God for giving us His one and only son to forgive our sins. He gets it, folks, he gets the big picture. <3 him.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Thing About 2015

As this year is coming to an end, there are things I want to leave in this year. I need 2016 to be a year of incredible positive change. 

December 2014, I left an abusive marriage. I had to. It got to the point of survivals sake. 2015 it became official. In this year alone, I have grown and changed and have learned so many new things. I have experienced intimacy with God once again...I credit God with so much. Provider, protector, He has loved on me and the kids like no one else has. This year the kids and I got our own place, I started exercising, I went back to college and starting working for the first time in 5 years. In the midst of tragedy, so much good took place.

And now as I'm dealing with feelings and relationships, I have come to realize, why wait?! I can and I need to LOVE myself. Take care of myself. "Date" myself. This will help build confidence and self-worth, something my life has lacked.

For 5 months this year I attended the gym regularly, five days a week. I stopped once work and school started. I hope to join again and make that part of my weekly routine. May not be able to commit to as much as before, but something is better than nothing. I want to focus on health as a whole, diet and supplements and essential oils. I'd like to get a few months supply up of supplements at a time, so that I can be off and stay off of HRT and seek natural route for dealing with the POF/POI. I believe remission is possible. I'm choosing to believe that's where I'm headed. I've also started counseling for healing of the mental/emotional. I will continue to seek God and place my trust in Him alone. He is my all in all.

As I type these things, I know the enemy will try to distract or discourage me. I know now that when I try to do good, he will try to do whatever to ruin plans. This is why clinging to Christ is all the more important.

"With man, this is impossible, but not with God; 
all things are possible with God."
- Jesus, Mark 10:27

From Lysa TerKeurst:
If Satan is tempting you to question God’s plan and His goodness tonight, pray these words out loud:

Dear Lord, I know that You are good. And You are good at being God. I’m so thankful that You know what I need and what I don’t—even when I don’t understand. I’m choosing to trust You in the midst of uncertainty and look for Your hand in every situation. Help me see Your "yes,” “no” and “later” answers as Your certain protection and guidance for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Thursday, December 17, 2015


When I’ve let my schedule get out of control, it’s my soul that suffers the most. Other things suffer for sure. My family time. My attitude. My stress level. But the deep sadness in my soul is the hardest of all to shake.
If you can relate to feeling this way, pray this prayer with me tonight...
Father God, I know it is not Your desire for me to walk around with the heaviness of an overwhelmed schedule and an underwhelmed soul. Give me wisdom on how to spend this one life. Because how I spend this life is how I am spending my soul. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

To all my Jesus girls - may we let this truth guide us continually: We aren’t called to live according to the norm, just doing what comes naturally.
We are called to rise above. Be set apart. Be different. Be pure in every way.
“All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure” (1 John 3:3 NIV).

I think one of the biggest tools Satan uses to keep people from growing in their faith and following after the dreams God has placed in their hearts is the lie that we have to do everything right before God will pay attention to us.
We have to pray long and lofty prayers.
We have to set aside chunks of time in the wee hours of dawn to do in-depth Bible study.
We have to have a seminary-level knowledge of the Bible and be able to do expository preaching on any and every subject that might come up in our conversations with others.
Once we reach this pinnacle in our faith, then God sits up, takes note of our devotion, and pays attention to us.
No! That’s not the way it works!
Yes, God wants us to pray, read our Bible, and tell others about Him. But He wants us to do those things as a natural response of a heart that delights in our relationship with Him. God loves each of us and wants to spend time with us, not because it’s on our to-do list but because we desire to stay in contact with Him throughout our day. He wants to be there for us. He wants to fill in the gaps where each of us falls short.
What beautiful truth to begin our day with.

Too many of us think that finding the reason God placed us here on earth will come in one lump assignment with a big title and complete job description. But I believe that discovering our purpose will unfold slowly, like a seed planted in the deep ground.
Each day, a seed embraces the task placed before it. Today it might have to embrace the dark soil it has been pushed into. Tomorrow, it might be not resisting the water that makes it literally disintegrate and fall apart. And then in a week or two, a green shoot pushes up and out of the deep, dark, messy place. Eventually, the seed sprouts and reveals what it was always meant to be. The seed’s potential is unlocked and its purpose is revealed through embracing each and every circumstance God brought its way.
Isn’t it glorious how nature doesn’t resist God? May the same be said of us as we seek to live our lives wholly for Him.
Father God, today we choose to embrace exactly where we are, even if it is hard and messy. Thank You that we can trust You are working every single thing together for good. We believe that we are safe in Your embrace. Amen.

If Satan is tempting you to question God’s plan and His goodness tonight, pray these words out loud:
Dear Lord, I know that You are good. And You are good at being God. I’m so thankful that You know what I need and what I don’t—even when I don’t understand. I’m choosing to trust You in the midst of uncertainty and look for Your hand in every situation. Help me see Your "yes,” “no” and “later” answers as Your certain protection and guidance for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6 (NLT)
Lord, thank You for all the very real ways You’ve changed me over the years. It hasn’t always been an easy transformation process, but I know it’s so necessary because my deepest desire is to become more and more like Your Son, Jesus. Today, I’m clinging to Your promise that You'll complete the good work You began in me. And I declare my trust in Your plan. In Your Holy Name, Amen.

Can I whisper a truth to whatever hurt is in your heart today? Deserting Jesus right now will not give you any of the comfort or relief you are looking for.
Hope is only found in Him.
Stay with Jesus. Filter your situation through the reality of His love. And whatever you don’t understand, can’t process or feel like you can’t bear one more day … declare His name and speak His hope over those hardships.
Here is a prayer you can pray today if all you want to do is run:
Heavenly Father, I acknowledge that all the power I need is in the name of Your Son, Jesus. I declare His name to be higher than any name I have given this situation. I will not declare hopelessness or fear or anxiety, or anything else threatening to make me run from Jesus. I declare all hope, all courage, all assurance, all power in Jesus. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Dear Lord, help me see the assignments and people that You’ve placed right in front of me. Life can be so chaotic sometimes, but I desperately want to unrush my schedule so I can love those You have entrusted to me. Show me how to slow down and leave sacred space for relationships. I want to follow Your example of staying focused on connection and compassion. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Have you ever had a big situation in your life where you just couldn’t process why God would allow this to happen? Or maybe even a small annoyance like losing your keys or having a flat tire on a morning you really needed to be somewhere.
It’s so tempting to wallow in the why.
Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn’t unspiritual. However, if asking why pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question.

If asking why doesn’t offer hope, what will?
The what question.
In other words: “Now that this is my reality, what am I supposed to do with it?”
Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (NIV)
I like to call this verse “directions on where to park my mind.”
Instead of wallowing in why did this happen, I can choose to say:
This is my reality, now what am I going to do with it?
What can I learn from this?
What part of this is for my protection?
What other opportunities could God be providing?
What maturity could God be building into me?
Switching from the why to the what question paves the road to parking our mind in a much better place.
Is it always easy? Nope.
But is it a way to find a perspective beyond situations where we feel God has allowed something in our lives we don’t understand and we absolutely don’t like? Yes.
Dear Lord, I want to process everything I face in life through the filter of Your love. I know You love me. But sometimes it’s just hard to understand the circumstances that come my way. I find myself consumed with trying to figure things out rather than looking for Your perspective and trusting You. Thank You for this new way to look at things. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sweet sister, I want you to remember this truth tonight: Our Lord doesn’t whisper shameful condemnations.
Spiritual convictions, yes. Personal condemnations, no.
May His voice drown out all of the other voices in your life right now—including your own. May you hear Him clearly above all the noise. And may He help you discern between His convictions and the devil’s condemnations.

In the midst of processing deep hurt, I have learned to turn to truths that anchor me to the reality of who God is. Truths like:
He is the One in whom I find comfort and reassurance: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV)

He is right here with me in the midst of my trouble, I am not alone: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)
He is the One who can use my tears to water the soil of my heart so that it can one day be a harvest of joy: “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:5 (NIV)
May these truths act as an anchor for your soul today no matter what is going on in your life. He is with you. He is for you. And He loves you more than you can possibly know.

I’ve spent my life trying to keep my raw emotions in check.

You know what I mean by raw emotions, right? Those irrational feelings we hide from most of the world but spew on those we love the most.

I love Jesus, and I love my family … passionately! But sometimes I get thrown for a loop emotionally, and it’s the people I love most that pay the price.

Learning to navigate those raw emotions is kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion. If I find something ugly, I have to ask myself a crucial question. Am I going to let this define me or refine me? If this raw emotion defines me, I’ll feel defeated. If I let it refine me, I’ll be motivated to make positive changes.

God doesn’t want me to give into my raw emotions. He wants me to be refined into the hope-filled woman I’m meant to be.

--Lysa TerKeurst (all of the above)

"... turns out that sometimes Christmas trees? Can be a whole lot like those darn fig trees that have no blossoms... Turns out? That rejoicing in the Lord happens while we still struggle in the now.
Struggling and rejoicing are not two chronological steps, 
one following the other, but two concurrent movements, 
*one fluid with the other* -- rejoicing *even though we still struggle,*
rejoicing moving with and through the struggle.
As the cold can move you deeper toward the fire,
struggling can move you deeper toward God, 
who warms you with joy.
*Struggling can deepen joy.*
*Even though.
Even now.*
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms
and though the Christmas tree aches a bit empty,
even though there are no grapes on the vine,
and no struggle-free days,
even though the olive crop fails,
even though I fail,
*even though so much fails*
— even now I will rejoice in the Lord."
- Ann Voskamp

He Is My Provider

Those closest to me have heard me say this multiple times, but it's like I cannot emphasize this enough. He is my provider, our provider, for my kids and I. He's always been a provider, but last time I felt it to this extreme was in 2007. When He gives and gives and gives, even when I don't ask He gives me just what I need before I know I need it, my cups runs over. I'm left in shock, but Lord don't you know what the things I've done? Why bless me so? Abundance comes to mind.

He has used our church as a tool to bless us. They have gone above and beyond what I've confided in them. I believe God has given them a compassionate heart for my family. Before going to the store tonight, I went to the mailbox and there was a Christmas card from church, with a gift card. He knew. He knows. 

Tears come to my eyes as I replay everything in my head. All this reminds that He does love me so. Everything everyone else has not been, He has stood in the gap. There's a couple relationships (relationships very common that most people have) that the kids and I don't have - and sometimes I may put too much in having those relationships and it angers/saddens me that we don't. BUT He has fulfilled those roles and then some. The kids and I have yet to go without. He is incredibly faithful. Provider. Faithful. You hear these words often but they are true. Don't let yourself be desensitized by hearing them so often, but ponder them in your heart, let them linger.

The reason I can get up every day and keep going is because I know He's got my back. My kids' backs. He has us in the palm of His hand. So I choose not to worry about our future, I know in His perfect timing He will open the perfect doors and present the perfect opportunities. He has proven faithful, I don't have to worry. The stresses of the world are not for me to carry. Through Him I have experienced peace that transcends understanding. He is a good Father! The Best.

Wake up, choose to release the worries of the world, of my circumstances to Him. Fully surrender. Serve Him in what I do. Repent when I sin. Lay at His feet worries/fear/concerns/joys/praise reports. Pray for others. Pray through the day. Thank Him. My future in secure in Christ alone.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Luke 18:27

I love these kids something fierce. 

Parenting has proven to be such a challenge lately. I need to stop repeating negative thoughts. I catch myself saying, "I can't do this, I can't do this" - yes I can, yes I can. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I love these little people so much...all I ever wanted was to be a mom and God gave me them...I don't want to let them's just so hard to do it all...but I'll continue on for them.

I used to think you get to a place in life where everything just flows. HA. That's funny! The older I become, the more I realize areas I need to improve or work on or am being challenged in. I'm constantly learning new things and growing in Christ. These past few days have shown me I need to start making some changes in me for the benefit of them. Oh Father help me!

What is impossible with man is possible with God.
Luke 18:27

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Premature Ovarian Failure/Primary Ovarian Sufficiency

Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) or also known as Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI) is a loss of normal function of your ovaries before the age of 40. 

"If your ovaries fail, they don't produce normal amounts of the hormone estrogen or release eggs regularly. Infertility is a common result.

Premature ovarian failure is sometimes referred to as premature menopause, but the two conditions aren't exactly the same. Women with premature ovarian failure may have irregular or occasional periods for years and may even become pregnant. Women with premature menopause stop having periods and can't become pregnant." - Mayo Clinic
"Signs and symptoms of premature ovarian failure are similar to those experienced by a woman going through menopause and are typical of estrogen deficiency. They include:
  • Irregular or skipped periods (amenorrhea), which may be present for years or may develop after a pregnancy or after stopping birth control pills
  • Hot flashes
  • Night sweats
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Irritability or difficulty concentrating
  • Decreased sexual desire" - Mayo Clinic
NIH has really good information on POF and they conduct studies. <--- click there for more info on it.

Causes for POF/POI are believed to be either a genetic cause, auto immune disease, or toxic causes (including cancer treatments such as chemo and radiation). I have also read that sometimes when a person is under chronic stress (fight or flight mode), that it may cause their reproductive system to crash; that's one less thing it has to maintain and fertility is not a necessity. 

In May 2014 I was officially diagnosed with POF, the believed cause is auto immune as I've had Hashimoto's. I also think the stress plays a huge factor me, as I've lived my entire life basically in fight or flight.

Let's back up. I became pregnant with Macie in June 2010. From the start, that pregnancy was completely different from my pregnancies with my boys. Yes, I know every pregnancy is different. I was also older with her (but still only 22!). I was overweight when I became pregnant with her. I was working full time and looking after two young boys. My marriage was a mess. These could've all been factors. I guess we'll never know. 

After the birth of my boys, I instantly felt better. In my pregnancies with Asher and Macie, I had sciatic nerve pains, but after Ash was born, it instantly went away. It did not go away after Macie. I still felt pregnant after she was in my arms. My body did not feel right. I just cannot describe it. And my hormones were INSANE. I remember the day we left the hospital, we left around lunch, and so I hadn't eaten. It was about 1 p.m. when we got into town and I was SO HUNGRY I started crying. CRYING FOR FOOD, people. I've never done that before! The feeling was so strong and all consuming. Craziest thing. And so, it was just all these different feelings and hormones were so strong. I had never experienced anything like that before.

I exclusively nursed Macie for 19 months which is when she self-weaned. With my boys (who were also nursed), I had my period back by month 5. But not with Macie. And yes I know many women go without a cycle while nursing, but that just hadn't been my norm. I remember asking my midwife when Macie was about 9 months old, and she said if I hadn't gotten it back by now, I probably wouldn't until she weaned.

January 2012 I got my period. Macie was 11 months old. But then February came and nothing...I blamed stress because Macie had been hospitalized for a few days at the end of January. I think in March-April I spotted a little. A little more in May-ish, I believe. Maybe this was my body trying to get going again? By June 2012 I was having hot flashes. I didn't realize that's what they were at first, afterall, it was summer time in Georgia. MISERABLE hot. I knew sometimes nursing mom experience hot flashes...but over a year into nursing? This didn't seem right. I asked a doctor or two, they said it's hormones, probably due to nursing. In July I went to an endocrinologist where I found out I had Hashimoto's. Hot flashes blamed on that. Macie weaned that last weekend in September, in October the nodule was found (did experience light spotting that month - I thought maybe it's my body trying to get back in order since Macie weaned?), November biopsy, by December knew I'd need surgery due to thyroid cancer. So hot flashes were blamed on that. 

January  14, 2013 was my surgery. I remember having some awful hot flashes post surgery. I was screaming for them to turn on the AC. But then in February something amazing happened...I got a period! An incredibly HEAVY one. Almost scary and dangerous how heavy. But I was all, YAY! My body is working again! That would be the last natural period I would have. In March, my endocrinologist said my FSH/LH were elevated...they thought maybe it's pregnancy. Test was negative. They said something about Premature Ovarian Failure and there being no cure for it...but my naturopath doctor said nonsense! I'm too young for that; it's just my body trying to adjust from my thyroidectomy. 

At this point, I was doing my cancer detox with the naturopath. My diet was very restricted, I was taking lots of natural supplements, weekly saunas and foot detoxes, and then 7 weeks of colonics. During that time, my hot flashes went away, my energy increased, hormones improving. Though I had no period, I was feeling SO MUCH BETTER (the best I had felt in a long time). My FSH/LH even with down 20-30 points. (They were originally in the 40s & 70s.) I credit these positive changes to my healthy lifestyle. I even lost some weight.

But then my doctor got crazy & even though I had a bad feeling about it, scared-me went along. I wrote about it in more detail in a previous blog, but basically after my detox, at the end of July, she took me off my thyroid meds and put my on "natural" alternatives (y'all, I was taking Nature-Throid at the time which is pretty natural!), I ended up gaining maybe 40 or so pounds, nerve/joint/mucscle pain, retaning water, something was wrong with my back as I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes and those were painful. My legs would lock tight and I would cry. I can't even explain it. I was constantly tired, falling asleep behind the wheel. And that was my life from August through end of Dec./early January which is when I went to a new doctor after we moved who discovered I was NOT getting any thyroid hormone, and my TSH was well over 100. Ever since then, I have not been the same.

So once all that happened (being taken off my thyroid med starting in July-August 2013), hot flashes returned with vengeance. In April 2014 I went in for a physical. My estrogen was less than 5, my LH and FSH were elevated again. She referred me to an OB/GYN. I also had an ultrasound which showed my ovaries were normal size. The linning of my uterus was on the thin side of normal. When I saw the OB/GYN in May, he officially diagnosed me with Premature Ovarian Failure. In June I saw a reproductive endocrinologist who gave me a 3% of ever conceiving a child of my own and said that women with POF have great success using donor egg(s). She prescribed me Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and said it's a good thing I had my kids so young. 

Since then, I have tried various types of HRT, TCM (traditional Chinese medicine; herbs & acupuncture), natural supplements, essential oils, and to be honest, the only time I really felt like a difference was being made in the sense of symptoms is when I was doing TCM. Financially, that's just not a possibility for me right now. At this moment, I'm on HRT again after months of doing essential oils all to no avail (this time, though, the HRT isn't working as well as I'm still hot flashing 2-3 times a day; doctor says it's because my thyroid level is hyper). If I can ever get my act together, I'd like to clean up my diet again and take supplements again. I would love to go back to TCM, and once it's financially possible, I plan to.

The thing about POF is, it's so much more than infertility. And trust me, the infertility aspect is SO FLIPPIN' PAINFUL, even for someone like me who has been blessed with kids. I do not take them for granted. & also, it's crazy how I miss my period, and how I feel less like a woman now. :(

Aside from infertility, with POF, your life span is lessened. You're are greater risk for osteoporosis, heart disease, cancer, premature aging, as well as a slew of other health conditions. I use to fall asleep easily and sleep through the night, now it's hard to fall asleep and I wake up continuously. I go about each day exhausted and irritable. I'm still retaining water and I feel like it's worse when I'm on HRT.

I just don't feel well. Hot flashes are awful. It's like this raging fire that starts at your core and radiates to your outside. Some are minor, you breathe through 'em, some are long and you tense, and the heat angers you. Hot flashes are one of the most worst superficial things about POF. Sometimes I only get them a few times a day, but typically, if I'm not taking anything, I would get A TON throughout the day; back-to-back-to-back. I cannot describe to you the misery of hot flashes. Just awful. I now have brain fog. There have been times - and I'm not exaggerating - I'll be driving down the road then all of the sudden freak out, "Oh-my-gosh, where am I? Where am I supposed to be going?" Just like that I forget. I have a hard time remembering things from the day-to-day. I have a hard time concentrating. I used to be known for my incredible memory. Now I can't remember what I did yesterday unless I sit there and really think hard... I'm easily irritated, low patience tolerance, emotional. 

Menopause is a natural process for women to go through at the right age (American average being 51 years old). It's not meant for women my age. Whenever I hear someone complain about their cycle or conceiving or trying to prevent conception, I just want to shake them; be thankful your body is working the way it was designed to at your current age.

The progesterone supplement makes me sort tempered and angry. I hate that I can't lose weight, or that it's such a struggle. One of the reasons I refused radiation was because I didn't want the risk of infertility that came with it. How ironic that radiation can cause POF and I ended up with POF anyways. I hate that my 27-year-old body thinks it's an 80-year-old one. It is hard not to ask not be not be bitter. But alas, I know those thoughts and feelings won't change it, in fact, those negative things can become toxic to my health. I know that God is my true healer. I believe He can heal me, so be it His will. I know there's always hope. I need to change my perspective and attitude. I need to give thanks in all circumstance.

It's a big deal me sharing this. I find it embarrassing and painful to speak about. It's crazy I've been in menopause essentially since I was 22-23. It's crazy that my 40-something year-old co-workers are having monthly cycles, and I'm essentially in menopause. I can relate more to grandma than those my own age. My crazy emotions, the sickness that consumes my body, none of my friends understand or can relate (thankfully for them!). It's a lonely condition. It's just so hard. Thankfully, I've joined a couple POF Facebook groups and that helps. Only about 1% of women have this and so it's extremely rare. It also doesn't help that every doctor has a different opinion on it and it's treatment.

In case someone reading this has POF or knows someone who does, I want to share a lady's blog who has it and was able to conceive twins naturally without medical intervention. I read her entire blog in one afternoon, it's inspiring.

The doctor I see now believes that the fact I had undiagnosed Hashimoto's for years strained my adrenals causing adrenal fatigue which essential put added stress on my ovaries which made them crash and burn. I have been able to see first hand how one hormone can offset the rest. When addressing my adrenal issue, I see how it improves my thyroid levels. Maybe she is on to something? Some months I'm able to take all the supplements I ought to be taking, and other months I don't. It's all because of finances. As I'm typing this, I can't help but think how I need to pray more about this, and intentionally try to budget for it.

So that's my story, folks. Be blessed. 

EDIT: I should add that some doctors like to clarify that POF is not truly menopause as you can still conceive in the off chance and also, can go into remission.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Funny stuff Macie says

Girlfriend has said a few sillies things today.

First of all, we were cuddling while watching "Popper's Penguins" and I said, "I love everything about you." She replies, "You even love that I toot?" Didn't expect that response!

Secondly, she wanted to play hide-&-seek (past her bedtime). I told her I could play 3 times and then I had to study for my math final. She said, "Ok, then I'll play hide-&-seek with God." MELT MY HEART, why don'tcha.

Using her necklace, she made a jump rope and had me help. "See, God is jump roping. He can do anything."

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A nudge, a hair cut, a great time

Last week we met a Pastor at church. He is a father of 4 or 5 boys himself, all grown. He was touched by our story and asked if he could take the boys with him for a hair cut and ice cream. He felt a nudge to do so. After speaking with the boys, they agreed. Macie and I waited for them. Pastor Morris did not have enough time to go get ice cream, but he gave money for them to get some -  he said he wanted to. He wanted to, folks. Wow. 

What a simple gesture but it felt like a whole big one to my boys who could benefit from a positive male influence. I'm not sure what's going to happen from here, but I sure hope this isn't the last of their get-togethers. God bless Pastor Morris!

Monday, December 7, 2015

1 Year

One day in the future when the time is right, I will elaborate more on this.