Friday, December 23, 2011

Santa isn't real?!

Growing up, we were told that there was no Santa Claus. It wasn't told to us in an educational or kind way, but in a negative, judgmental to others, kind of way. By the time I was in my pre teens, my younger siblings were being told that Santa does exist. I felt so robbed. In fact, I tried my hardest to believe, but alas, I ... couldn't. So, I always said I would let my kids believe in Santa.

I don't remember Santa being a big deal around here til the past couple of years. Yes, we've done pictures with Santa and I've also always put them in little Santa outfits when they're little, but we didn't talk about him much. So obviously with time that's changed, as has my heart.

Last year a dear friend of mine told me that her kids "pretend" to believe in Santa, but that they know full and well he doesn't really exist. I found that so interesting. She went on to explain that when her younger sister found out Santa doesn't really exist, she started doubting God's existence as well. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Plus, I can't get over the fact that I'm straight up lying to my kids AND this imaginary dude is getting credit for what Perry and I do!

Well, since last year I have met several other families that don't do the whole Santa bit. It really became a burden on my heart, so I talked to Perry about it, got his ok to tell them the truth.

So I didn't have an idea of how to break the news to them. I prayed that God would give me the right words to say, and that they would receive them well.

I started off by reading the story of Jesus' birth. We talked about how His birth is the real meaning behind Christmas, and that God gave us the best gift ever; His son, Jesus. We talked about why we give gifts to one another and so Santa came up. I then read them a book (childrens) about St. Nicholas. I then told them how he was a real person who lived a long time ago, etc. I then went on to explain that is where the idea of Santa Claus came from; from St. Nicholas. Zeke asked, "So Santa isn't real? Then how do we get our presents?" I proudly told him mom and dad ;) We again talked about we give presents to each orher to show we care, but again, the best gift is the one God gave us. We talked about how daddy and I are his, his brother's, and his sister's St. Nicholas, or Santa Claus. Now, I did say if he would like to "pretend" Santa exists that's ok, so long as he remembers the truth, but more importantly, remembers the real reason we celebrate Christmas. He didn't seem so interested in that, and that's fine by me!!

So finish it all up, we (Zeke, Asher, & I) pinky promised not to lie to each other ever again. And that's the other thing - Zeke was more bothered by the fact we lied to him about Santa than he was that Santa wasn't real. Honestly, that kind of broke my heart. Zeke is a good kid, I hope this doesn't have any long term side effects. :-/

Well, that night I got to overhear a funny conversation between Zeke and our neighbor ehen Zeke so matter-of-factly informed him that Santa died... Wish I had that on tape!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Macie's birth story

The reason I struggle with feelings of anger and resentment when it comes to Macie's birth is this truly should've been my "best" one to date. This was my first pregnancy out of my teens (whoop whoop) and the pregnancy in general was a good one. No premature thinning cervix, no pre-eclampsia, no baby measuring big (if you even want to consider that a "pregnancy problem").

I always wanted an all natural birth. And this would be the time I was supposed to get my wish. (The boys births are another story for another time.) I guess somewhere deep down I knew achieving my goal would be difficult with a hospital birth. They love to keep you hooked up to monitors and IVs (at least at the hospital where I had my babies), they don't want you moving around which makes handling contractions even worse, they like to do their little medical interventions, I don't know but its like one thing leads to another and the next thing ya know its like you NEED an epidural to deal. And that's not fair if that's not what you want for your birth plan, but also another story for another time.

I wasn't even THAT impressed with my OB's office. I orginially loved then during my 2nd pregnancy but his whole birth experience changed my mind on that real quick. And also the fact that everyone I know who goes there ends up with a c-section. I find that quite interesting – surely not EVERYONE NEEDS a c-section (no I'm not anti-cesarean section – if it's necessary then it's necessary). Seriously, everyone I know and/or who I've met there except for myself and one other girl all had c-sects – and I know a lot of people who go there – they're a pretty big office, three different locations. My specific OB was bad (or “good”) about inductions. Ultimately, I guess I got lazy and did not look for an OB elsewhere. I guess I thought I could handle it. I'm not quite sure WHAT exactly I was thinking (pregnancy brain, maybe??).

Saturday June 26th, 2010 I found out I was pregnant. This was two days after Asher just had tubes put in, adenoids removed. Three days after our wedding anniversary. I remember Asher was still not feeling anywhere near his old self. So cranky, my poor baby wanted to be held all the time. I remember him clinging to me as I tried to take the test. And when it came out positive, I was SHOCKED, to say the least. As it started to settle in, I became scared. All of the sudden THREE sounded more like fifty to me. We went to a friend's son's birthday party that afternoon. I had so many friends there that I wanted to confide in, but it wasn't the time nor place. Of course, once the fear and everything went away, I was thrilled, or rather even through the fear I was still thrilled. I thoroughly enjoy being a mom. It is definitely my passion and one of my true loves in life!

So, throughout my pregnancy, all doctor visits went well. Unproductive. Impersonal. Quick.

Around 35 weeks I noticed a slight decrease in Macie's movement. Now, I know that is totally normal for the last stretch of pregnancy, but we all know what a paranoid person I am and how I tend to second guess myself so I thought
maybe I should get checked out. Though on my way to the dr., she became super active but by the point I was already there and was like, "What the heck, might as well since I'm here anyways!"

I was put half naked on a table, monitors strapped around my tummy monitoring Macie's heartbeat. Watchya know, it stayed pretty consistant in the 140's and I was having "contractions" (their words, not mine)... I was pleasantly pleased and kind of laughed at myself for doubting myself when, AS ALWAYS, everything turned out to be a-okay! Well, one of the midwives (Betsy) and her little midwife buddy in training come in and they're acting kinda weird. They give me this HUGE cold glass of water & tell me to start chugging. She wanted to see more movement in Macie's heartbeat. (Ummm, okay???) As I'm drinking my water, keeping my eye on the monitor to see if there's change, I don't even see her do this, but she starts shocking my stomach - without warning! Poor little Macie's heartbeat jumped up to the 150's. But still, that wasn't good enough. She checked me and I was 2cm dialated, said I was having little contractions (contractions or just my body preparing for the real deal??) and told me I might have just won myself a trip to the hospital. I was totally confused, her heartbeat was fine, this is my 3rd child so 2cm at 35 weeks is not a big deal, I wasn't really seeing the concern there.

She me across the hall to get an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech was like, "So what am I looking for? This baby is totally fine!" I was like, "THANK YOU!" Macie was practicing swallowing, head down, plenty of fluid - all was well! The midwife took me to the office and INSISTED if there's any decrease in movement I need to come straight back or head to the hospital! She wanted me to make an appointment with my regular OB doctor. Between you and I, I never made that appointment. At that point, in all honesty, and I KNOW this sounds bad, but it's like I had no respect for that man, just fear of him. I didn't want to see him in fear of what he may do...(see Asher's birth story)

I had already had my 36 week appointment scheduled and I did show up for that. (So it's just that I never had a 37 week appointment.) It was with a midwife, Joy, and what a joy she was {*note: my feelings have since changed, but at the time of writing this, I didn't know somethings about her that I know now)! I told her how I wanted an all nature birth. She was so kind and supportive of it. She told me to stay at home as long as possible.She told me she thinks Macie would be my smallest baby and I agreed - I had been saying that my whole pregnancy with her (in fact, the midwife who delivered Macie INSISTED Macie would be one of my bigger babies when in fact, Macie was my smallest baby)! She actually SPENT TIME WITH ME, answering questions, giving advice – unlike with the Obs, I didn't feel rushed by her - we even talked a little smack on some of the docs up there. I even talked with her about how I want my labor to go, she even took notes and put in my folder that I DO NOT want my membranes stripped. DO NOT. She was a woman after my own heart, and it was there I confessed my love for her and I told her I wanted her to deliver my baby. She told me about another midwife who shared similar beliefs as herself and suggested I see her as well. So I scheduled my next appointment to see her. Biggest. Mistake.



This was taken a week or a week and a half before Macie's debut.



Tuesday February 15th

The morning of my 38 week appointment I woke up feeling sick. Like, nerves sick. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I remember telling my sister about it. "I don't know why but I have a really bad feeling about today." I've always been very intuitive. Sometimes I think I bring these bad things to myself...

That morning, sitting at the OB took a lot longer than usually. So I was getting annoyed from that, plus my nerves were shot, I was having anxiety, I just wanted to go home. I was mediating a lot on my anxiety and worries. Nicht gut.

They call me back, urine, weigh, vitals.

I noticed the nurse left my blood pressure on a sticky on my folder. I don't think they normally do that. But no one said anything to me about it.

I'm brought back to the room, undress half way, and am to wait for the midwife. She took FOREVER. The anxiety was intensifying. I had such a bad feeling. I missed my boys. I wanted to go home. I hate these pointless doctor appointments.

The midwife (Wendy, the one recommended) comes in. She has a blood pressure taker thing around her neck. They don't normally take my blood pressure in the room. She starts talking about things related to my previous pregnancies which mind you, I had pre-eclampsia with my *FIRST* (only). Then she wants to go off saying I make big babies. Uhh, my babies are very average size, thank you. Granted, if I could ever make it past 38 weeks I might have 10 pounders but that doesn't matter because at the time of birth, my boys were very average size.

Here's where it becomes kinda fuzzy. So much happened. All at once. I became so upset. It's hard to remember it in order. I believe she took my blood pressure and made a comment about. I told her I was under a lot of stress, much was going on at home. She kinda mocks me and my reasons. She hints around more to the pre-eclampsia. I asked if there was protein in my urine, she seemed shocked that I even knew that was a sign of pre-eclampsia. I continued to try to get the point across that I was under much stress at home and, yeah, my blood pressure gets a little high but this was normal for me, I know all is well, this was NOT pre-eclampsia. She goes to check me. Then she goes, "I'm going to strip your membranes" AS she says it. I scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" And I start crying but it was too late - she said it AS she was doing it.

Side Note: I love how the doctors took note of my other kids name and ages on my folder, they even had unborn Macie's name on my folder. Ya know, to make it look like they actually knew me personally, like they actually remember me. But they don't pay attention to where it says, "HEY! Chica does not want membranes stripped!" Nice. Especially considering we didn't discuss it, you just went ahead and did it without any warning.

She looked concerned. Most woman don't question/fight doctors. Ha. They haven't met me.

She instructs me to lay on my side. She tells me I would be going into labor soon anyways because I'm already 4cm. I told her I wanted this to be a good birth experience. I wanted to go into labor on my own, no interventions, no medications. She told me she didn't strip them all that hard and told me to relax, she would be back to check my blood pressure again shortly. Um, yeah 'cause now that I'm all upset it's going to go down.

I call my sister. And my husband. I'm a wreck.

Eventually she returns and there's not much change in the blood pressure. What a shocker. She tells me to get dressed and meet her in the dreaded office. I do.

She tells that she wants me to come back after lunch for another check and then
go to the hospital tonight to start an induction. I'm still upset, crying some,
trying to explain my birth plan and that I KNOW nothing is wrong with me or my baby. She was active, good heart-beat, and I KNOW the signs and feelings of pre-eclampsia and I had none! So, she tries scare tactics like you're typical OB office does. {I love how we gotta make childbirth such a scary, horrifying thing, not a joyous experience. I love how we put fear in doubt in women's body to properly birth her baby – yeah, ya know, the body GOD created to do JUST THAT.} Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I stopped trying to reason with her. I realized I could just walk out. She ain't my mama. My tears dried up, I nodded and lead her to believe I would be back after lunch. My heart was pounding. I had my mind made up. I would not be returning to that doctors office again - not for prenatal purposes, at least. I literally ran out of that office, to the elevator and out to my car. Peace out, PWC, peace out!!

I called a good friend and asked her for prayers and she sent an email out to the church. I called my husband who was getting off work to be with me. I spoke with my sister. I was so shaken up. I felt so violated. I was devastated.

I went to my MIL's to pick up Asher. Well, my MIL's sister is/was a nurse and she had her come over to check my blood pressure. It did go down a little, but the lower number was still kinda high. I called and make an appointment with my regular physician to see him that afternoon. I went home to rest meanwhile.

At my regular doctor's office, the nurse and doctor himself both got different readings. Down from earlier, but lower number was kinda boarder line. I explained the situation with him. He told to come back in the AM before
they open and he'll check me and if it was still kinda high that maybe I should go in for an induction...Afterall, I had make it to 38 weeks so babe should be fine! (His words, not mine.)

I went home kinda upset, kinda unsure. Oh and did I mention, since I never did go back to my OB's office they started harassing my phone, my MIL and everyone listed on my file asking where I was and how important it is that I get back with them. Ha. I never answered or called back.

That night I started to doubt myself (story of my life). "WHAT IF??” I was so angry and upset that this was happening and in my heart I didn't think anything was wrong but what if something was?? I tried to eat, but lost all appetite, I prayed, but lost all train of thought, I tried to take my mind off things but never fully could. So how the heck would I be able to lower my blood pressure if I just kept stressing?!

Wednesday February 16th

That morning, my husband, sons and I were rushing out the door to get Zeke to school and be at the dr by 8:20ish. Of course I got to the doctors office late, by the time we got there, they were already open and seeing patients. We waited around forever. Then we taken back. Then waited more. Then the nurse took my blood pressure but her readings were off from his last time so he had told me he only goes off his own readings. Of course it would be my luck that his office was insanely busy that morning! I was fed up. I was annoyed. Her reading was still high. Of course it was. I was a freakin wreck. I didn't want to wait around on him anymore. I couldn't. I GIVE UP! I was so angry. I figured I should just go to the hospital. Blood pressure was still kinda high (lower # stayed around upper 90's-100), my membranes were stripped as is and I was already 4cm, I figured it wouldn't be much longer, anyways, after all the interventions thus far. So we left the dr's office and in the car I phoned the phone nurse @ my OB's office. She instructed me to go to the hospital. We dropped off my youngest son with MIL and off we went.

(With all the chaos, this song somehow came into my head that morning and kinda stuck with me. “When everything fall aparts, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.” It's a song by Fee, “Everything Falls”.)

I was ticked. With myself, them, the situation. I felt like I had no choice, I felt robbed of the birth I always dreamed of, again. No woman should be so angry on the birth day of her child. Well, we check in to the hospital, get in a room and don't ya know but the midwife from the day before is the one at the hospital. Her name is Wendy, btw.

Well at first the nurse said I could have water, then she looked at my file and the midwife, Wendy, had noted I was NOT allowed ANY fluid. I was ticked. "Oh look Perry she wants me to get dehydrated so I'll have to have a c-section! GO GET ME WATER NOW!!!" Yeah I definitely said that in front of the nurse. And if you knew my previous birth stories, you would understand the whole c-section thing. The nurse said she would ask the midwife why I'm not allowed fluids, but it didn't matter 'cause I was gonna drink some anyways – Perry was already on his way to the McDonald's in the hospital to get himself lunch and me a big ole cup of h2o.

The midwife came in to see me and was insanely nice to me (the assistant midwife in training lady from my 35wk appt. was also with her and was always there with her except for when I actually gave birth...strange, right?). She told me of course I can drink whatever. (I think I already had my water that Perry had gotten me by that point.) They took blood, hooked me up and by 12:30pm the pitocin drip started. Well, don't you know now that I know my fate and I'm all settled that my blood pressure goes straight back to normal?! I mean, better than normal. PERFECT. Haa. AND ALL my blood work came back EXCELLENT. Wow, why don't ya know, look who DOESN'T HAVE PRE-ECLAMPSIA. But oh looky, it's too late now. Are you happy now, Mrs. Midwife Ma'am?!

She kept wanting to break my water but I didn't want her to. "But it's bulging, please let me." Ew and no. They wouldn't let me walk around so I would take "really long potty breaks" and walked around the room. During all this my husband was really enjoying the free wifi. Yay for him. The contractions weren't so bad. And I was thinking,"Ok, I know pitocin makes contractions worse but may be I can handle this without an epidural." My nurse kept asking me about an epidural and it just kinda bothers me that they automatically assume everyone wants medication.

I think the midwife felt terrible for the day before, for stripping my membranes, because she was so kind to both my husband and I. She was asking questions and being so polite, having conversations with us (or should I say him, I was still kinda bitter and didn't feel like chit-chatting). She stayed in the room for long stints of time when with my other pregnancies they check ya and left ya. She and my husband had nice long conversations about their love for Harry Potter. It was kind of weird.

By 3:40pm her nagging of breaking the water got old, I was in labor and annoyed, ticked that I wasn't having my all natural birth with my possibly LAST baby, so I was like what the heck, everything else isn't going my way and I let her break my water. I stood up to walk around after breaking my water and WOW. It was like immediately getting worse. I didn't even realize it but I started rocking side to side, leaning over the bed, breathing heavy. I remember fluid just gushing from me and I was worried because it seemed like so much, but she said it was fine.

The contractions got harder and harder. There was like NO break between them. It felt like my insides were being squeezed out. I literally thought I was dying. They asked if I wanted the epidural and I agreed, though deep down I still didn't want it, I hate the risks and I hate how bad it hurts to get it. Without a doubt, this was my most painful labor, and I just couldn't breathe, I couldn't get ahold of my breathe, all I could do was cry, but it wasn't even a real cry because I couldn't stay on top of my breathing. I was sitting up right on the bed, holding on to Perry and the nurse, telling them my dying wishes. The nurse was totally smirking and trying to hold back the laughter at what I was saying. Looking back, I don't blame her; I said some pretty ridiculous stuff!

Dr. Robinson (the anesthesiologist) came in, I couldn't sit still. I was moving because it hurt sooo bad. I was crying. Still unable to stay on top of my breathing. There was NO break between contractions. It was just one after another after another. I couldn't breathe. I just cried hysterically. My nurse and husband tried to calm me down, but I just told them I was dying and tell my sons I loved them.

Dr. Robinson told me I had to stay still if I wanted this but I couldn't. Literally, could not. Oh and during this whole time the midwife stayed in the room with me. My poor husband said he gave the doc a desperate look like please don't leave her like this and the doc winked back at him. Finally, somehow some way he got the epidural in place and I laid down. That was at 4:30pm. I was checked and was completely effaced and 6-7 centimeters. I knew it would go fast from here.

The midwife(s) left. I was so cold and shaking. My blood pressure even dropped so they had to give me some medicine. I kept saying how scared I was. The nurse didn't understand why but all I could think was I'm not out of the woods yet. I've had a lot medical interventions with this baby, so my chances of c-section are high. I was so scared. And still angry because history was repeating itself. Again.

I started feeling pressure in my bottom. This was going fast. And this labor resembled Zeke's a lot. My nurse checked me around and said I was 9. I kept telling her, it's time it's time and sure enough by 5:10pm I was fully dialated. I remember just being so scared beyond words and all I wanted was Perry by my side but husband was in the bathroom! I mean, really, let's talk about some bad timing, man!!

They paged the midwife. It took her literally a year and a day to get there. It was after 5:30 before she got there. And boy was I having pressure in my bottom!!!

She gets there and I start to push. It's the strangest thing having your legs up and wide open with a bunch of strangers in the room, walking in and out, seeing you DOWN THERE. I remember one nurse walked by and looked and said, "Wow, she's a good pusher!" Yes, that is probably the best compliment I've ever received. Birthin' babies is what I do ;)

Anyways, it took 3 pushes in 2 contractions and she was out. And the strangest thing happened with my first push, I LITERALLY felt Macie move from my stomach. Like, her legs/feet were up by my ribs (my top left) and I felt them move down. It was the weirdest feeling ever. I hope I never forget that feeling.


My littlest baby. 7lb 9oz 21inches long, Macie Danielle, but she seemed so much smaller than that to us.

Macie came out screaming. (Asher came out silent, Zeke was not real loud but not silent, and Macie was loud so I had one of each. lol)She had the cord wrapped around her neck (a couple times, I think) and her body. Same thing happened to Asher and happens in about 20% of all births. First thing I noticed about Macie was how small she was. And remember, this is the midwife who insisted Macie would be big because I have “big” babies, and she said what a big baby she was. Uh huh.

Macie was born on February 16th, 2011 at 5:41pm weighing 7lbs 9oz 21 inches long. VERY average and my smallest baby - as I predicted.



Me and baby girl second night in the hospital.

Poor Macie must've sensed the stress off me because she only seemed content in her daddy's arms. But shortly after birth we did skin to skin followed by nursing and I really think that helped us bond. I remember feeling frustrated because she would be content with Perry, then I would hold her and she would flip out, back to Perry, she was fine. That frustrated me. I was like, “Guess she's HIS baby.” Yes, I'm totally spoiled by my boys who were and mostly still are, mommy's boys. Another thing I noticed, she was born hungry. I mean, she was attacking her hands, like, looking for something to latch to. Once I offered it to her, she latched right on and did NOT want to stop. I also am grateful for skin to skin for saving our relationship. It's like once we spent some time doing skin to skin, those hormones were released and she and I were bonded. She became content with me and all the anger and frustration I had been holding in was gone. I had such a high, such a love for this baby. You would've thought she was my first, I did NOT want her leaving my sight, I was too in love with her to sleep – all I wanted to do was hold her, to keep my eyes on her. She was so little, so sweet. Though she adores her daddy, she is a mommy's girl :-)


Still can't get over that we have a girl!

Labor was 5 hours and 11 minutes start to finish. However, that would be more impressive if it were "natural". I also got the most stitches with Macie and honestly, I don't know why. I also lost more blood. And as my 3rd baby, that was my hardest recovery.

She's still all smiles :)

I am in love with my sweet girl. It saddens me I didn't have the the labor/delivery I wanted. I still have regrets. I think, I shouldn't have let them do the pitocin, maybe just let them break my water instead - at least that's natural even though it is an intervention. Or then I think, I should've had them do my blood work and get the results BEFORE doing anything. But hines sight is 20/20. I think I really need to start trusting myself more and quit the doubting...


My sweet baby girl about 1 week old.

If do have another baby, I do plan on a home birth (I joke with my hubs, unassisted if must be). I'm tired of having a baby being viewed as some scary thing. I want to be happy and I want the people there to be happy for me. I want love and support and consideration. Not controlling out of fear. I want to feel every pain, I don't want to be numb. I want to move around. I want God to be my epidural!!! As much as this didn't go as planned, it could've been much worse. I thank God He was with me and Macie and took care of us. I give Him credit for all good things, He took care of me when I had the boys, too. He is amazing :))

But anyways. That's my birth story and I'm stickin' to it.





Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Be Rich

Our church does this yearly thing called BE RICH . It's where we give money, donate food, and volunteer. It's so great. I've been wanting to volunteer for awhile now and this year was actually able to! 

This past Saturday, December 10th, we volunteered at the Abba House Thrift Store. The Abba House is a place for women (and their children) who struggle with addiction to go and get help, also for women in abusive situations, I believe. They have a couple thrift stores that directly benefit the home.

We had all three kids with us as we felt it would be a good experience for them. Plus, they've been learning about being generous, and happy helpers, so here's a great opportunity for them to be generous, happy helpers! We signed up with another couple from our small group, and there was also a family of four there as well.


First, we got the children's room to organize!

Macie was mostly on my back, but did have some quality chill time on the floor. :)

Asher and Zeke throwing away some trash.



I am so thankful for this experience! Though I have done volunteer work in the past, this was really stepping out of my comfort  zone. We got to work with some of the women who currently live in the home, and were able to hear their testimonies. Beautiful! I am so thankful that we had this experience with our children, and I hope they value it as much as we did! And, I would LOVE for this to become the norm for our family...volunteer work, serving others like this. How easy is it for me to volunteer with things that I'm familiar with or have personally experienced, but it was neat to step out of my comfort zone and into a world that I am NOT familiar with in the least. The kids did great, I am so proud of them, and my husband came straight from work to there, so you know he was exhausted - but he too was such a happy helper :) 
((Thank You, God, for allowing my family to share this experience together!!))

"Be rich in good deeds" - 1 Timothy 6:18

Oh, Christmas tree!

Wednesday December 7th, we finally bought our tree! (Home Depot is much cheaper than Wal Mart, guys, and they bag it and tie it on the car, too!)
 Perry and the boys with our tree and lights and stuff!
The boys were thrilled to get started once we got it home!

 Macie was not so sure what to think about the tree...at first, she cried! Then, she got excited about it!
Asher wanted to help put the star on the tree.

So did Zeke.

And dad, too!

Mr. Zeke putting an ornament on the tree.

Asher doing the same (kinda blurry, I know).

So, typically I'm not a fan of colored lights, or gold (the star), but all my boys liked both these things and since I love them (and am outnumbered), I went along with it. Actually, I think the tree looks very nice! The boys pretty much did all the decorating themselves. It's pretty much full of babies first ornaments and ones the boys have made over the years. And I love that :)) 

My loves!

And our stockings. Yes, Macie's is much larger than the rest of ours but that was NOT intentional. Perry's, mine, and Zeke's are actually from Zeke's first Christmas, then bought Ash, and Macie's as they were born. Maybe next year I'll get us all matching ones...or not, who knows! I think it bothers the kids more but I've tried explaining just because it's bigger doesn't mean she will get more (I try to keep everything as equal/"fair" as possible).

Merry Christmas!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

untitled

It's hard to believe where we were two days ago compared to today. Two days ago, I felt like the world around my family and I was caving in. So many bad things, so close to Christmas. But God is good. He's provided for us. Today has been FULL of miracles. I feel at peace, and hopeful . He IS good. He's answered our prayers. And ya know what's funny about that? It's funny how He can answer our prayers, yet not in the way we thought/wanted/asked Him to, yet they're still answered. He is faithful. And did I mention, He is good?!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Contents of the Heart

Sometimes, my hearts intentions do not translate right into my actions. And though others may not be able to see my heart and my true intentions, I thank GOD that He can see the true contents of my heart.

A Saturday Outting

I'll tell ya what, I am so thankful for good friends. Saturday, some friends of ours took us out with them - and being carless for 2 weeks, we're already getting restless so a day out of the house (and especially with good friends!) sounded so nice!
First, we went to a Christmas tree farm! There's Zeke and Asher roasting marshmallows over a fire.

FUN!

There's miss Gracie, Asher, and Zeke.

There was a barn there and you could walk to the top of the barn, go out on the balcony thingy and take pics. So beautiful, huh?

Mr. Zeke enjoying some freshly popped popcorn.

Asher had some hot cider!

After the tree farm, we headed down town for the Christmas parade! And can you believe it, after living in here for 11 years we have NEVER been to the Christmas parade?! True story. Anyhooo, I thought this picture was funny! Here's Randy with all the kiddos, minus Macie (on my back).

April, with the kiddos, sitting on the side walk, catchin' candy :)

CHICK-FIL-A!! lol. Yeah, I just wanted to get at least one picture of a float. Ahhh, they have such good food...now I'm hungry. Hahaha.

Here's the babies on the ride back. That night we came back to our house and we had spaghetti and watched a movie! I treasure times like these. Good times, creating good memories, with good friends!!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

What I Never Knew I Needed

I never knew I needed her. 

If you were to have asked me a year and a half ago, I would've said boys only. I'm a boy kinda momma. But I'm so thankful God knew I needed a daughter and that He gave me one any way.

Me and my girl.

She makes me laugh. She fills me with joy. She's all girl. She loves hair already. The boys know that when sissy gets fussy, give her your hair and she becomes all smiles!


Her laugh is contagious. She giggles after kisses, hugs, and snuggles. She greets every person with a warm smile. She melts my heart.


As much as I don't want her to grow up, I look forward to watching her become a woman. I am so excited that I have the privilege to raise her in the Lord, and all the values I get to instill in her. I love that I get to pour love and confidence into this little girl. She is a princess.


She's a silly girl! She was able to wiggle her arm out of her shirt the other night and it had her (and therefore, had us) cracking up! Such a character!


I feel blessed that I get to experience the joys and challenges of raising a daughter and sons. I absolutely love all my kids equal. They are all unique in their own way, but my love for them is all the same. I find them all equally beautiful on the inside and out. I am truly a blessed momma.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Today

I would just like to start off by saying today I am thankful to God for my mother in law,Lisa, for giving me a ride today to run some (or rather, many!) errands and watching the babies while I was being seen by the midwife. Also, I'm thankful for the sweet Isbell family for providing Zeke a ride to and from school this week! And to the Seymour family for loaning us their truck while out of town, and more specifically to Crystal for her kind words - and really that goes to Farah, too!
*Trying to always give thanks!*

Today I had a regular female check up @ the OB/GYN who delivered Asher and Macie (and actually the OB who delivered Zeke now works there, but she was at a different practice when I saw her). I'm sure no woman is a fan of these kind of necessary appointments, but for me having it done there, it brings up so many emotions I don't know how to put into words. I love the phone nurse there, and overall all the nurses are pretty nice. And there's about one midwife there that I trust, or did. My feelings about their doctors and doctors in general have drastically changed over time, but mostly since the birth of Macie. Their lack of concern of women and their wishes for themself and their baby, the misleading information, how impersonal it all is makes me sick. Pregnancy and birth is one of the most beautiful experiences in life that I believe should be valued by all considering that's how we all got here. But men (or, humans, rather) have taken it over , with medicine, intervention after intervention, giving mothers misleading information. Not trusting the body that GOD DESIGNED to do what God designed it to do. I've been wanting to write Macie's birth story for sometime now. I'm just trying to get the words right, as I would like to keep my posts on the more upbeat side of things. But I am a passionate person, and I have a strong desire to do what is right. So don't confuse my passion and desire for right with something else.

I thought I could do it. I thought I'd be ok. I scheduled the appointment with that midwife who impressed me so during my pregnancy with Macie. But right away the lies started flowing from her mouth. I felt attacked, I felt fearful. Before even walking into the office I felt my blood pressure climbing, I told my MIL how nervous I was being back here after everything that went down earlier this year. Was this an unwise decision on my part to come back after everything? I was nervous, I couldn't even remember all the questions I had. She was pushing me in conversations that I don't feel comfortable having. That was the same room where everything happened this past February 15th. I looked over at the door at the pregnancy poster. I felt fear of pregnancy, I felt self doubt in myself and my body. I remember feeling that way every time I walked through those doors during my pregnancy with M. And just like old times, I felt a sense of RELIEF as I walked out those doors.

I'm going to be posting Macie's birth story very soon. Followed by Asher and Zeke's

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Uncles!


Yesterday, the kids' uncles (my brothers) came for a visit! Jesse and Josiah, two of my baby brothers, who we hadn't seen in months. It was so nice for the boys! They've missed their uncles a lot, and so have I. Josiah played freeze tag outside with them for a little while, while Jesse and I were inside talking about stuff. I baked them short bread cookies with jam in the middle. Yummy :) It was sooo nice to have some family around! Zeke has been very close to my brothers. Josiah, Jesse and Zeke are actually closer in age than I am to my brothers (or at least Josiah and Zeke are). And being a teen mom, we lived with them for alittle while so they kinda grew up together. Kinda like brothers. I about cried when I saw Josiah 'cause at age 14 he is now about 6'3'' and his features have matured so much since the last time I saw him! I remember when he was just a little baby, now he's all grown up! Macie was shy at first but soon warmed up to her uncles and was all giggles. Jesse is such a hard worker, working TWO jobs and still attending high school. He has the sweetest heart of anyone I know. Oh, and he bought his own car by himself, no help, thank ya very much. These two are going to turn out to be incredible men one day! I love my little brothers, and I'm so proud of who they are!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

frustrated

I don't understand some people. Some people really anger me with their lack of concern for others, for their self consumption. I shouldn't get angered by their choice of actions but I do. I don't see how you could let someone struggle go through a hard time without offering help. Especially when they're your co worker. Or friend. Or neighbor. Or family. I may not have a lot of money, I may not have many talents. But my gosh the least I can do is offer an uplighting word, or lend an ear to listen! You KNOW something is going on, and you know exactly what it is, too. You've seen it with your eyes, you've heard it with your ears - in fact, someone called out your name specifically and you choose to turn your head the other way. I hope to NEVER be like that! I want to always help - when and how I can. I wonder if you feel better turning your back and going back to your cozy life?? I mean, why stress? This isn't your reality. But it could be. And if it was, is this the way you would want to be treated?

Friday, November 25, 2011

Our Thanksgiving '11

Thursday November 24th, 2011 Thanksgiving
Perry 25, me 23, Zeke 7, Asher 3, Macie 9 months, and Papa Ross 75 :)
Weather was mid-high 60's. Too warm for my taste for a late November day, but perfect weather for working on a car.

This year we had Thanksgiving at our home, just us. It's due to because of our current situation, but I'm kinda thankful for it causing us to have to stay at home as a family on this holiday. Sometimes things get too hectic in the hustle and bustle of going from here to there.
This was our first turkey we've ever made/cooked, whatever. We weren't very sure with what we were doing. Perry took out all the nasties, and added brown sugar, honey, and something else for flavor. (If this is not "traditional" or the "right way", don't judge, we newbies ;) )


Here's sweet Macie waking up the morning of her first ever Thanksgiving.

My babies, Thanksgiving day, 2011.

Our first ever Thanksgiving on our own, like grown ups! We had turkey, rolls, mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and veggies (and homemade chocolate chip cookie cake)! YUM! I am not one for Thanksgiving day food, but I actually ate up this year! It was GOOD! 

Daddy said grace then served the food.

We are SO thankful that Papa Ross (Perry's dad) was able to spend Thanksgiving with us! And I know it meant a lot to my hubby, especially because he wasn't able to see any of his other family.

Macie ate turkey with turkey broth (jar) and some mashed potatoes and a little bit of a roll! 

After our meal, daddy and Papa went back to work on my car. Such hard working men! Ross actually had a cold and completely lost his voice, but he was out there helping my hubby from sun up to sun down without one complaining word leaving his mouth - what a good man!

While the men worked on the car, the kids and I cleaned up the food and kitchen and decided to go burn some calories and go for a walk to visit the Donk-a-honk family (aka, our landlord's donkeys)! I wore Macie, she rode in the Beco (my other love!)!

Us, Thanksgiving, 2011.


 We got very crafty this week of Thanksgiving. Here's a pic of one of our crafts!
Zeke's turkey hand

Asher's turkey hand (looks like it's pooping, lol! SORRY, had to say it!)

Macie's turkey hand! 

The boys and I made this apple pie! Tastes just as good as it looks! Though, we had it a couple days before Thanksgiving, it was still consumed within Thanksgiving week so...it's included in this post!