Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I'm not sure how to say this -

The news came first thing on a Wednesday morning; about 6 am to be exact. It would be a good five days later before I could muster the courage to tell the children. And their world would shake, again. 

After finding out about our move to North Dakota, we (kids and I) did have mixed emotions at first because Georgia is all my kids have ever known as home. But those emotions soon turned into feelings of pure joy and excitement for the reunification of our family. The slow process of packing had started, and going through our belongings to prepare for a yard sale. Planning, preparing, we were ready.

But God's ways aren't ours. His thoughts aren't ours, either. And we don't understand why things took a turn for the way they did, but nonetheless what happened happened and we won't be moving afterall. At least not on the date we had set, nor to the place we thought. 

Tears shed as I broke the news. I saw my eldest boys heart break before me. The separation between a growing young man and his father should never be so long. I told him it's ok to be upset, it's ok to cry, it's ok to bring these feelings and more to God. It's ok to be angry. We had looked at the pictures of our soon to be home, we had everything planned. Now those dreams were shattered. God, what is going on here?

And I myself feel like a child as I have spent the last some odd days knelt before my bed pleading with God. Like a child trying to persuade their parent, that's how I have felt. The news still stings, it hurts so bad I have dared not say a word to another living soul aside from my naturopath who pulled it out of me. All I want is for my family to be back together, is that so wrong? The holidays are fast approaching, the conditions for moving won't be in our favor much longer. And still the Father is silent and has not acted in such a divine intervention that I see fit. But the truth remains; this move, on planned date, to signed place is simply not going to happen. So what do we do from here?

I must trust in Him, the one who allowed this to be taken away. Maybe it was for our protection? Maybe it is for something better? Maybe just because. I don't know. But I know the character of God is not that of some mean bully going around breaking the heart of the young, and separating families. I know in His good timing, our family will be back together. So now we keep waiting. And preparing. And hoping. And I have no doubt more tears will come, but I also know He will be faithful to comfort. The plan is to continue with the yard sale and such for I don't want there to be a single materialistic hindrance holding us back from being a family again. 

I apologize if this is an impersonal way of breaking the news - especially considering I told many of our friends personally about the good news before making it public. But please try to understand what a blow this is for our family, what a genuine heart break. Going on 7 months away. Over half a year with only seeing him twice. This stuff is hard and I don't know if I can handle having this conversation over and over again. It's hard for him, and hard for us. And deep down I still secretly cling to the hope that something BIG and MIRACULOUS will happen and we'll still get to move before the holidays! I do ask for prayers for our family during this challenging time. Especially for our little ones. Thanks y'all.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Monday, September 23, 2013

Hope For a Future

I love babies. They are so beautiful and good. They don't know evil. So naturally loving and trusting. Healthy and beautiful. They represent life. There's so much hope in life.

With everything going on the past year, I have felt like my life was being threatened for having a future. Yeah ok, let's not get all technical with the, "We're all born dying." or "You could have cancer and yet die by getting hit by a bus." Just hear me out, k? 

With life hanging in the balance, I found it hard sometimes to live in the present, to enjoy what the moment offered. There were times I was just thinking about, "Will I be here when the kids graduate? For their weddings? For grandbabies?" Afterall, the doctors were asking me don't I want to be here for my kids 20 years down the line. 

Going through the process of my healing journey has been just that; a process and a journey. There's been no miracles, no quick fixes. It's been trying and testing, requiring perseverance and faith. 

God has been good to be faithful. Overall, I keep getting good news. Slowly but surely, encouraging news all pointing in the right direction. How many times must I doubt before I believe? He has been so good to me - will I ever just not allow the bad to consume my thoughts and instead go straight to assuming the best? He has proven Himself, when will I prove my trust in Him?

Today I experienced hope for a future. The kind of hope I have experienced three times before. The kind that fills my heart and my causes it to do leaps and bounds within my chest cavity. The type that causes me to get high off natural endorphins. Yes, my friends, I experienced true hope. I dreamt of a future, and it felt real and attainable, like this is really gonna happen.

Not long ago, I finally had blood taken for the long awaited deficiency test. And had my hormone levels checked as well (hormones have been off and doing crazy things since the birth of Macie; having never normalized since). Starting with the hormones - looking at them all, my naturopath was filled with joy. So excited for me, she too believes I have a future. We discussed what these numbers mean, and what they mean all combined. Good things to anticipate, she says, within 3 months times. Talks about do you want more kids in the future? Yes, it is still a possibility for me; no permanent damage has been done. (Calm down, folks, we don't plan on procreating til this momma's health is fully restored in God's perfect timing.) We move on to discuss the deficiencies. I was expecting the list to be as long as my arm. But no. 3 deficiencies, that's all I have; only three! This is more good news. So attainable, so realistic to get under control. We came up with a plan, a goal, and supplement routine/foods to add to diet. 

She and I - we talked about my future. She smiles. "It is so good you know the Lord." She rejoices with me. She believes I will be here in 20 years. Oh, to have a doctor who believes in me and believes in God and His ways of restoring health to one's body and soul! For the first time in a while, I don't feel like someone who is dying; I feel like I, too, have hope for life, for a future with my family - all thanks to Jesus Himself! Jesus heals, restores, and redeems. I am getting to experience this firsthand on the journey I am on. My physical, emotional/mental, spiritual health is being restored by the grace and patience of God. Can I get a hallelujah?!

Friday, September 6, 2013

And the big news is...

Six long months ago, my husband went to North Dakota for bigger job opportunities. 
We've talked about and prayed about the possibility of our family moving out there. Well, folks, it is official; we are moving 1700 miles away to good ole North Dakota! It won't fully seem real until that day comes, but Perry has found a home, signed the lease and wrote the check. My friends, this is a done deal! We are experiencing a wide range of emotions, BUT ultimately are excited about our family reuniting! I feel at peace that this was a God thing, so I know there's nothing to worry about - I must keep reminding myself of that. My biggest heart ache is for my children who have never lived outside the state of Georgia. They will be saying goodbye to the only friends they've ever known, to a wonderful school, incredible church and Cub Scout family. Growing up, I moved state to state about 6 times, so when Perry told me the big news, it kind of took me back to the those feelings I had as a kid and I wanted to break the news easy to ours. But I am told children are resilient. And I know more than anything they want to be with their daddy again. Again, God is good, and we may be moving far from our friends and community that we've grown attached to, but we can never move away from God's all encompassing love! We will miss you, Georgia, but are so excited for this new chapter in our lives!

New Beginnings

This week, Macie started pre-school. 
She will be going Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings. And might I add, she had a great first week - didn't cry once!

Asher started tennis this week.


He did so well! I am very proud of him for going out there and trying something new! 

Cub Scouts has also started back up for Zeke. Thursday was the annual Back To Pack meeting/dinner.
Here is Zeke with his best buddy, Dax.

These sweet girls are blessed with such incredible big bro's. 




There will be more big news coming that has everything to do with new beginnings!