Thursday, April 28, 2016

Real Talk

Real talk (man, I hate when people say that! LOL!), I have messed up lately. Compromising for the sake of another and for no good reason. I have suffered the consequences and am left with a broken heart. After all I've been through, you'd think I'd have more sense. You would think I wouldn't make the same choices I did a decade ago. But friends - this is life! Sometimes, after many steps forwards, we go back one or two steps -BUT ALL IS NOT LOST! God's grace and forgiveness is still ours for the taking! And though the heart may ache, God alone can bring true peace and healing to it! He can take a senseless thing that happened and give it meaning, purpose so that nothing goes to waste! 

From this I have gained strength and wisdom. I am learning to own up to my worth and act accordingly. It is so much more than saying these things - I'm working to act on them! I've joined the gym and have already taken Body Pump. I hope to take that class twice a week. Losing weight and gaining physical strength will lead to a more confident me. (& YES I KNOW LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING.) It's time that I start taking care of my physical being as well as my heart and soul. And PS, exercise was such a love of mine many years ago.

Actions need to reaffirm the words we say.

I am so grateful that my Father in Heaven was so faithful to go before me and to take care of me. I'm so grateful for His peace which transcends all understanding! He is good! I have sinned and He has forgiven me, picked me up from the ground, cleaned me off and hugged me so! He is a good, good father! 

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Heart of Gold

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

First off, Macie has no idea how good she has it in the brother department. No. Freaking. Idea. Secondly, this boy is such a protector. He defends and protects everyone in his family - he'd rather be mistreated than witness any of us being mistreated.

They're supposed to be sleeping, but he's reading her a story from her favorite book. He stops and closes the book when he notices I'm about to snap a pic. He doesn't like the attention. His actions are good and pure, they aren't done for praise. The heart on that boy. <3

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Genesis 50:20

This will probably be one of those rambling posts.

These last 6 days have rocked my world. I feel dead but am very much alive. I feel numb. I no longer know what the future holds for me, I feel like I have no right to dream anymore. I am disappointed in myself and hurt by someone else. That person is not who I thought they were at all. It blows my mind how some can just lie. Just look you dead in the face and lie to you like it's no big deal. How some people have seemingly good morals and yet behind closed doors behave completely opposite of those morals. I am struggling with how I should approach this...what my feelings toward this person should be. I know my ultimate goal is to forgive and love, just as Christ has done for me. I don't want to hold on to any bitter feelings towards anyone anymore. Onward and upward.

But I still feel dead. I know now more than ever that if things are to change it will be a complete miracle from Heaven. I realize now more than ever that I subconsciously sabotage myself because I am subconsciously convinced I don't deserve any good - so I push the good away, and fully embrace what I know will end up hurting me/make my life difficult. It's a habit I developed as a young child, and it is one that MUST. END. NOW. I've taken small steps in this direction this year but now it's time to be more drastic. I'm done doing life this way. 


First time I get a gut feeling that says, "No!" "This isn't right." "Get away!" "____ is lying!" I'm going to listen. I'm constantly giving the benefit of the doubt but for now on when it comes to comprising my morals or my safety, then it's a RESOUNDING HECK NO and I'm fleeing.

Oh my heart hurts. I keep thinking about my best friend Crystal and how I wish I was hanging out with her. I wish I could have a hug. I wish I was back in Georgia. I wish my ex wasn't a narcissistic abuser so that we could still be together. I wish I had my old life as a stay at home mom volunteering at her kids school and weekly shopping trips to Trader Joe's. 

Somehow among the numbness of reality, I have to muster the strength and motivation to keep on with school and life. I have to find joy again. My confidence in self and hope in humanity have been shaken this week and I have two very important doctors appointments coming up within the next 9 days. I need those to go well because I cannot imagine how I'll handle another blow. The fact that I actually have peace makes me think the news will be less than ideal. 

So I'm clinging to this verse as I face the days ahead. Easier said than done, but what other options do I have? I have to cling to my Father in Heaven. Him and my kids, they're all I've got.

Friday, April 8, 2016


I noticed that sometimes I push God away when I need Him most. Like, maybe because He will be displeased with me for having "drifted" some in my life lately? Or because I haven't trusted Him much lately and now here I am wanting to fall at His feet and beg for mercy? Why would I push away the ONLY One who can actually make a difference? The ONLY One who cares at all times? Who loves the unlovable side of me?! What is my deal?!

Y'all, it's about that time of the year again; cancer check. Part of me is angry that this is something I even have to do. Another part of me is riddled with fear and anxiety. Part of me is SCARED to even contemplate allowing God's peace to cover me because all that would mean is He is preparing me for some bad news and a rough road on up ahead! Again,


Why can't I just be one of those happy-go-lucky people?! Because if I fake my contentment with whatever God allows, I will be lying because I want what I want when I want it. And I want to be cancer-free for life and healthy and live a long life with my family. How can I pretend - let alone actually BE - content with the fact that God may allow sickness to enter into my life once again?? When will I let go and let God? 

I want the faith I had 3 years ago. But I don't want that trial ever again! Oh Lord, grow my faith (but without sickness or loss of loved one). See? I'm so scared to just trust...

Prayers are always appreciated. <3

UPDATE: Results are in and am still c-free! Praise the Lord!