These last 6 days have rocked my world. I feel dead but am very much alive. I feel numb. I no longer know what the future holds for me, I feel like I have no right to dream anymore. I am disappointed in myself and hurt by someone else. That person is not who I thought they were at all. It blows my mind how some can just lie. Just look you dead in the face and lie to you like it's no big deal. How some people have seemingly good morals and yet behind closed doors behave completely opposite of those morals. I am struggling with how I should approach this...what my feelings toward this person should be. I know my ultimate goal is to forgive and love, just as Christ has done for me. I don't want to hold on to any bitter feelings towards anyone anymore. Onward and upward.
But I still feel dead. I know now more than ever that if things are to change it will be a complete miracle from Heaven. I realize now more than ever that I subconsciously sabotage myself because I am subconsciously convinced I don't deserve any good - so I push the good away, and fully embrace what I know will end up hurting me/make my life difficult. It's a habit I developed as a young child, and it is one that MUST. END. NOW. I've taken small steps in this direction this year but now it's time to be more drastic. I'm done doing life this way.
I AM DONE.
First time I get a gut feeling that says, "No!" "This isn't right." "Get away!" "____ is lying!" I'm going to listen. I'm constantly giving the benefit of the doubt but for now on when it comes to comprising my morals or my safety, then it's a RESOUNDING HECK NO and I'm fleeing.
Oh my heart hurts. I keep thinking about my best friend Crystal and how I wish I was hanging out with her. I wish I could have a hug. I wish I was back in Georgia. I wish my ex wasn't a narcissistic abuser so that we could still be together. I wish I had my old life as a stay at home mom volunteering at her kids school and weekly shopping trips to Trader Joe's.
Somehow among the numbness of reality, I have to muster the strength and motivation to keep on with school and life. I have to find joy again. My confidence in self and hope in humanity have been shaken this week and I have two very important doctors appointments coming up within the next 9 days. I need those to go well because I cannot imagine how I'll handle another blow. The fact that I actually have peace makes me think the news will be less than ideal.
So I'm clinging to this verse as I face the days ahead. Easier said than done, but what other options do I have? I have to cling to my Father in Heaven. Him and my kids, they're all I've got.
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