Push

I noticed that sometimes I push God away when I need Him most. Like, maybe because He will be displeased with me for having "drifted" some in my life lately? Or because I haven't trusted Him much lately and now here I am wanting to fall at His feet and beg for mercy? Why would I push away the ONLY One who can actually make a difference? The ONLY One who cares at all times? Who loves the unlovable side of me?! What is my deal?!

Y'all, it's about that time of the year again; cancer check. Part of me is angry that this is something I even have to do. Another part of me is riddled with fear and anxiety. Part of me is SCARED to even contemplate allowing God's peace to cover me because all that would mean is He is preparing me for some bad news and a rough road on up ahead! Again,

WHAT IS MY DEAL?!

Why can't I just be one of those happy-go-lucky people?! Because if I fake my contentment with whatever God allows, I will be lying because I want what I want when I want it. And I want to be cancer-free for life and healthy and live a long life with my family. How can I pretend - let alone actually BE - content with the fact that God may allow sickness to enter into my life once again?? When will I let go and let God? 

I want the faith I had 3 years ago. But I don't want that trial ever again! Oh Lord, grow my faith (but without sickness or loss of loved one). See? I'm so scared to just trust...

Prayers are always appreciated. <3

UPDATE: Results are in and am still c-free! Praise the Lord!