Surgery

 

Surgery was on Monday January 14th, 2013 at 11am. I am still kind of in shock that I have had surgery. Doesn't seem real...it happened so fast (the falling asleep - waking up).

I give all credit, all thanks to God for continually providing me with peace and just getting me through each minute by minute. I cannot take recognition for that.

Monday morning I got up bright and early, after just going to bed at 1:30am. I stayed up late to deep clean so we would have a nice, clean home to come home to! I wasn't worried about lackof sleep because I was about to be put to sleep. ;) Perry made breakfast for the kids, we prayed for the events about to take place, and together took Zeke to school, then dropped Asher and Macie off with my friend, Crystal.

It was a very rainy day, full of traffic. But we literally made it to the hospital right on time(9am)!Chantell was already there waiting. We went up to the 2nd floor, signed in, were taken back to a room where I had to change, put on stockings to prevent blood clots, and received my IV. I met my pre-op nurse and later my nurse who would be in surgery with me. I also met the anesthesiologist and saw my surgeon again. The pre-op nurse gave me some sort of medicine through my IV to calm nerves, but I did not feel a huge difference; a little light headed/dizzy, but not something drastic like I was expecting.

Chantell and Perry stayed with me the entire time, which was a blessing. To have them there, talking with me about whatever, helped me to keep my thoughts off the surgery about to take place. April, Susan, and Julie - all from small group - also came and sat with me before surgery! How incredible that these ladies decided to come out in the pouring raining and sit through traffic, all for me! Just to give me a hug and say encouraging words before surgery! I love these ladies! My mentor, Anne, also came but got there after I was taken back and had to leave before I was put in my room, but she stayed til I made it out of surgery! I know she came a long ways, too, so it really means the world to me, especially since we didn't get to see each other...but she still came. Melts my heart the love these women have shown me!

I know I read James 2 before surgery. Which you might be like, "Really, Emma?" 'cause it's not Scripture on peace or something directly applying to the situation, but like I said before, I love me some James 2 and it has spoken to me a lot, so I read it allowed and Chantell and Susan prayed (I think it was just them).

 I thought there was a pic of me and Perry but neither of us can find it on our phones.

 

 

When I was taken back to surgery - which was rather on time from my memory, not like the movies at all - I was anxious to see what the room looked like. When Asher had tubes put in/adenoids out, I remember the room being super big, and white, SO WHITE, kind of scary. But the room I was in, wasn't like that at all. It was smaller than the room Asher had his surgery in, and it was an off-white color. As silly as it sounds, I found it comforting. :) They raised my bed and I scooted over to the operating table. I remember them tying down my arms or something, telling me I would be put to sleep once the anesthesiologist got in there. Moments went by and I just saw a bunch of people walking around doing a much of different things, then in the corner of my left eye I saw the anesthesiologist come in and stand beside my left arm. I remember thinking, "Ok, I'll be going to sleep soon." I was patiently waiting for the popular count down from 100, but that never happened. Without saying a word, he stuck something in my IV and I felt my eye lids become heavy, but I did not feel sleepy. Next thing I know I woke up in recovery! Seriously, just as smoothly and as quickly as that.

 

Recovery was a big open room with a bunch of beds and curtians between each bed. I remember seeing a man across the room but he was all alone, no nurses, nothing. He was not there the entire time I was. When I woke up, I remember feeling just a lot of stuff going on around my neck. It was the stitches, draining tube, and foam looking padding stuff they kept around my neck. I had several nurses around me, and as I started to come to, I remember pain. Just lots and lots of pain. And I just expected that I wouldn't wake in pain, that they would have given pain medicine in advance or something. But I started crying. And then screaming. I was in so. much. pain! Then I guess I passed out again. I guess I fell asleep and woke up many times that first day. The next time I remember waking up, I looked at the clock and saw it was 3:30-3:45. I knew surgery was 2 hours, so I should've been out at 1, and originally I was told recovery would only be about 45 minutes long. I started asking why I was still in recovery, when I could see my husband... She said they couldn't control my pain and how I woke up kicking and screaming saying it was a 9-10 on the scale. Ohh, sorry about that. :-/ Total I was in recovery about or just under 2 hours before taken back to my room where I would be staying over night.

 

Perry, April, Susan, Julie, and Chantell all came to see me after surgery. I just remember being in and out of it a lot. People would be talking to me and I would be fine, then suddenly my eyes would get heavy, next thing I knew I'd wake up to everyone chit chatting. lol. I felt so bad for falling asleep on them! Susan brought me flowers from the group. Eventually, small group left. I remember my friend, Sheree, stopped by after work. She had to leave to pick up her girls from day care but then came back later and stayed until around 11pm! I appreciate all the visits :) I love being surrounded by the ones I love!

On the left, flowers given to me by small group the evening after surgery.

Flowers on the right are from April, the morning after surgery.

 

Perry's mom and stepdad came by at one point to bring Perry Taco Bell for dinner. They didn't stay but for a minute. I didn't eat at all that day. No appetite.

 

So, I loved my 7p-7a shift nurses. Really. Later that evening, one of my nurses came in asking if I wanted to go walking and I said yes. She, Perry, and I walked a lap while I pushed my IV. I felt great! Woo-hoo! I felt so great in fact that I walked three more laps. Feeling like a champ because apparently most don't walk laps the first night, or at least not four laps, I came back into the room feeling a bit queezy as I sat on the bed. I bet you can guess what happened next...Oh yes I did. And I cried for my husband like a little baby, true story. The nurse then says in a matter of fact way that how anesthesia will have that affect. WELL, if ya were to have told me that to begin with, I would have stopped after lap one! Really, it's all good though. She was a sweetie and I ended up walking more later on and got to know her better. :)

 

I didn't sleep so great that night. Pretty much in 30 minute increments. So I watched a lotta TV and surfed a lotta Facebook. 3am they came to take blood. That's just cruel. 

 

Oh, and this was pretty funny. They kept oxygen on me. Well, sometime super late at night, or early in the morning, they took it off me, and as I was falling asleep all the bells and wistles went off saying my oxygen went down to 86. So, the nurse came in and put me back on oxygen. I still had my stockings on, preventing blood clots, I'm cautious like that. Yes, you could not tell this was a 24 year old chica, I resembled more of a great granny.

 

So that morning when the doctor came in, he made a comment about me still being on oxygen! He even said, "You're too young to still be on this!" and took me off it. I felt kind of silly. But I did keep the stockings on for a bit more! ;-) He said my para-thyroid and calcium levels came back normal. PHEW! He said my thyroid was super enlarged and had a lot of scarring. He said to go to his office on Thursday to have draining tube removed, then in 1-2 weeks the pathology report would be in and I'll make an appt to come in for that.

 

Chantell and Susan visited briefly that morning where Susan shared a devotion thingie called Daily Bread (I think) and I shared mine from Jesus Calling. It was nice. :) April stopped by too and was actually there when I was released at about 12:30-1pm. My friend, Farah, brought us dinner that evening.

 

I had a hard time sleeping and being comfortable in general with that draining tube. I seriously feel for everyone who has ever HAD to have surgery and I seriously do not know why anyone would CHOOSE to have surgery done (cosmetic). It is not a fun time.

 

Wednesday April came and helped out and Chantell brought food. We actually had a miscommunication with food and Crystal and Mikaela (works with Perry at church) also brought food. Thank goodness for frigs/freezers! My mother in law came over that evening and stayed til about 8:30pm. Thursday sweet Susan came and stayed until the evening and Jonathan (Zeke's Cub Scout leader) brought us macaroni. Susan was incredibly patient and interactive with my kids. I feel like I learned so much as a parent from her! She made us all dinner. She took great care of me and my kids, I was totally impressed! Crystal took me to my appointment that afternoon and held my hand as the draining tube was snipped and removed. Again, not a fun time. I literally have a hole in my chest area covered by a bandaid. I have an appointment for January 29th to go back to go over the pathology reports. I was informed he also took lympth nodes to check them for cancer as well.

 

Friday was my first day alone and I completely over did myself by cleaning, doing school work with Asher, taking the babes outside. I was in a lot of pain and exhausted. Too much too soon, for sure. April came over just before  5 and drove us and all our kids to Amber's house for ice cream and cake for baby Bryson's first b-day.

 

Saturday I was alone again, feeling more sick with my heart racing and kind of had a mental break down. My sweet friend, Kati, listened attentively as a moaned and complained. She was so kind and selfless by offering to drive from an hour away and to come take my kids for a couple days to help out when she herself has 4 kids. Ultimately, Zeke did not want to go because he wanted to see his daddy on Sunday, but the fact she would do that for me...wow! She is a great friend! I love her! God really took care of me that day, I was at my wits end. Out of nowhere Amber texted saying she was bringing dinner and Crystal came over and helped clean that night. So thankful for God's love through Kati, Amber, and Crystal.

 

This morning Perry and the kiddos went to church while I stayed home. I've pretty much had an insanely lazy day. I am just so ready to be healed and over this and move on with my life. I have so many big plans for this year, both personally and as a family. I feel like this is holding me back. But I am *trying* oh-so-hard to be patient. I know He has His reasons, and so I wait...

 

A picture made for me by Amber, with one of my favorite verses.

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Night Before...

I want to record these feelings so I can refer back to them if ever I doubt.

Tomorrow morning is surgery. It has been a longggg time coming. The actual surgery has had 3 different dates - but now it's here. It's finally, actually here. Woa!

I am overcome with calm...with a peace I only wish I could explain. And when I think about the actual event that is about to take place, I smile. Smile! That is not a normal reaction for me. To smile or feel calm. No, my friends, this is a God thing.

Today I've been blessed with a mixture of phone calls, emails, and text messages from friends saying they love me, thinking about me, praying for me. It all started this morning - or really before bed last night. God has been sending me reassurances throughout the day. Not overwhelmingly, but slowly, one here, one there, and so on. It's spread out evenly. It makes me feel loved...cared for...like I'm not going through this alone.

Friday at my ladies community group (I say small group), my apparent fears and worries became apparent to them. And can you believe, they did not make me feel like my feelings were invalid. I can't even give word for word what was said, but it was so reassuring, so comforting, so God - speaking - through - them. I walked away feeling good, and have been feeling so ever since.

Tomorrow as I go in for surgery, I will not be alone. I will have my husband and small group. And of course, my God will be with me. I will be surrounded.

I feel so undeserving of the compassion and support. I've never experienced something like this before. I have had two different friends tell me today how people in their churches are praying for me. I know people in my own church are praying for me as well. I feel so blessed to be covered in prayers, in people's thoughts!

My boys don't seem worried or bothered about the days to come. This brings me so much comfort. I am sensitive in regards to my childrens feelings. And if normally I'd be OK in a certain situation, knowing they're not, will make me not. So, the fact that they don't seem phased, is a blessing! God is protecting my children from fear and worry!!! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Macie has been especially clingy. But I am so confident that she will be just fine because between the two friends who will be watching my kids, she loves them and their kids so much, that I think she will become so preoccupied, she won't even give me a second thought.

I believe in the power of prayer. I've witnessed its power. I am so covered in prayer right now, I can't help but feel everything is going to be ok. Everyone is going to be ok. It's not just about me, but my family, and they're covered too.

A little over a year ago I found this verse, and it became mine. I think it means more to me now than it did then.

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. - Psalm 16:8

Amen and Amen!!

The Beautiful of Simplicity

Today was a nice day. Really nice.

The little ones and I surprised Zeke at school at lunch time. Then I helped his teacher by making some copies. She and I had a nice talk. I love getting to know his teacher(s)! Then we went to the media center to see if we could help and I had yet another great conversation with the librarian. So simple but so nice!

We had about 2 hours til pick up time so Ash, Mace, and I headed to a nearby park. We had so much fun! Macie isn't a big fan of slides but she warmed up and we kept going down the big slide all together. I left my phone in the van so there wouldn't be any distractions (for me). Asher loved the swings, and Macie loved sitting in the train cart. There was a little boy there, probably a couple months younger than Macie, and he would go over to Macie and point, "Baby! Baby!" and she would do the same to him! Too funny!

This evening I brought dinner for a friend of mine who had cataract surgery this morning. We all ate together and then the kids went off and played and we had a nice talk. I appreciate one-on-one, honest, and raw conversations.

I appreciate days like these. I appreciate when God opens the eyes of my heart to receive the simple yet amazing blessings He gives freely, daily. Sometimes I am so blind to the day to day goodness of His love, grace, and mercy. I value these times. The laughter and innocence of my children. I value the relationships created out of the ordinary. I am so thankful to Him for this day.

Brotherly Love

 

This morning, Zeke came to me asking for his piggy bank. See, Zeke wanted to buy his little brother a duck from the school store. Zeke has purchased some in the past and Asher really showed an interest in them, so Zeke wanted to surprise his brother with his own! It melts my heart to see how my kids love...and to see Zeke be so incredibly thoughtful and buy something for his brother, out of the blue! And it was so sweet how he gave it to Asher...We were in the car, and Zeke told Asher he had a surprise for him. Just the sweetest thing! I've gotta brag on my little men and say how close they've become the past couple of months. The typical sibling bickering has significantly decreased. They're WANTING to do everything together, they comfort each other, stick up for each other - it's just a beautiful thing to witness! I love my sons so much and I'm very proud of the young men they are turning into!

Perry's Birthday 2013

 

 

Could not get this pic to rotate for anything!

 

January 2nd was my hubby's birthday! I love how Perry gets just as excited as a child does and can never seem to wait til his birthday to open his gifts! lol! Perry chilled at home and we had pizza and cookie cake before he went to work. He is 27 years young! Happy birthday, love!!

Christmas 2012

Christmas Eve sibling gift exchange!

Macie picked for Zeke, Zeke picked for Asher, and Asher picked for Macie.

Going to bed on Christmas Eve (date on camera is wrong).

Blessed!

The babies Christmas morning!

So excited!

=)

Macie's fave gift!

Family!

 

Christmas this year was especially relaxing. The kids got up super early to open presents. I love their excitement and joy! We had our traditional biscuits, eggs, and bacon for breakfast. I am not sure if it was my cold or thyroid or a mixture of the two, but I wasn't feeling well and had to lie down for a while. Thankfully, it worked out well as Macie napped with me for the most part, and Perry and the boys were thoroughly enjoying play time on the Wii U. Later we baked cup cakes for Jesus and read Luke 2. Christmas evening we went to Perry's moms house for a couple hours. We came home to a very relaxing evening. It was a nice and simple Christmas. 

Thyroid

Jesus Calling

This devotional really spoke to me the other day in light of this situation.

 

I have been told my thyroid level was either borderline hypo, or normal. I am not sure if the doctors kept getting different numbers, or if different doctors translate the same numbers differently. Regardless, I've been on and off medicine for years - having never felt a difference either way.

But this year, something was off. Something wasn't right. Whenever I discussed it with others, it would get blamed on the fact I was still breastfeeding. But this summer especially, I knew something was wrong.

In July I went to see an endrocrinologist because I figured, hey, they specialize in this stuff and since previous doctors would waiver in diagnosis, I should see somebody who could explain things better. Funny, she never checked for nodules, but did say my thyroid felt enlarged. Results came back borderline again and it was kind of my choice on whether or not to be put on medicine. For personal reasons I opted for the medicine.

Three months went by before I went back for my next appointment. There she tells me I have Hashimoto (by the way, say that in an Asain accent - it sounds like a Japanese restuarant - no joke!). Hashimoto is an auto immune disorder. I kind of was shocked - I've never been told this before, why didn't they tell me this in July when they found out?! We discussed how nothing has changed for me, and my biggest complaint - these hot flashes that put me in such an ill mood, man, they haven't let up. And every so often I would (and still do) feel a tightening, a tingling in my throat. She said she wanted to do an ultrasound.

So across the hall we go with Asher and Macie in tow. She performs an ultrasound and tells me my thyroid is lumpy. She also said I have a nodule (about 2.6cm, I believe) on my right (your left) side of my thyroid, and a cyst. But she's not worried about the cyst. She said any nodule more than 1cm in size and they biopsy. She explained the procedure and that there's a 95% chance everything is fine. Odds were in my favor.

But I cried. I was scared. There I was hoping for a simple, normal appointment and now I have an auto immune disorder AND a nodule! I looked over at my babies...I so wanted to be strong for them. I kept fighting back the tears, but wasn't always successful.

For several reasons the biopsy date was set for a month out. For that month, life was pretty...difficult, in a way. I had to live moment by moment, I couldn't allow myself to think long term, or worse case scenario. Fear is my default, it's a struggle to think anything else.

Finally, biopsy day came and I was a nervous wreck. Emotionally I shut off. I remember in the car ride Perry trying to distract me, telling me he loved me, holding my hand, but I couldn't...go there...I would just cry.

It was 4 needles. Couldn't swallow during it. It seemed like I'd swallow and be ready to go, then she'd take forever and by the time she was coming towards my throat with a needle I'd have to swallow again. Needle one I did well. But by needle two I had a break down. I started crying. I didn't want to cry. I tried so hard to swallow the tears, the burning, the pain, the fear, the "what-ifs". I never thought at 24 years old I'd be laying on a table getting biopsied.

The doctor was kind and encouraging and with her and Perry and the nurse I got thru all the needles and we were done (and of course God, too). She told me not to Google anything and it would be a week before results would be in (the following Tuesday or Wednesday). That fell on the week of Thanksgiving.

I was faithful to God time. To seeking Him. He covered me with such amazing peace that I cannot begin to describe. Such peace that I would say it was borderline JOY, HAPPINESS. I was actually at more peace after the biopsy than I was before.

Tuesday came and went, nothing. Wednesday came. I knew it would be the day. The one moment I leave my phone and I missed the call. I called back frantically to no avail. But thankfully, got ahold of the nurse shortly after. I was in the drive way with my kids, heading out for a walk. She said the results were suspicious, further testing was needed and we would know Monday or Tuesday.

But I didn't cry as anticipated. I felt peace. The peace of God that transcends all understanding was mine, I was totally and completely experiencing just that. Thankful.

Next Monday came and went, nothing. Tuesday came and secretly, I didn't want the kids around when the call came because I wasn't sure how I would handle it if the results weren't in my favor. But I don't think I ever prayed for that. I just inwardly wanted that. I took Zeke to school and it was a weird morning where Perry was home and awake, able to stay with the youngest two (God thing). As I'm pulling away from the side walk at Zeke's school, my phone rings. I knew. It wasn't the nurse this time but the doctor. I just knew. She told me that once again the results came back suspicious to cancer (40-50%). She explained I would need to see a surgeon. She explained everything. I pulled over on the side of the road and took notes, maintained a very matter-of-fact composer. I didn't feel surprised; I felt peace.

Six days later I was sitting in the surgeon's office with my husband and small group leader, Chantell. Never at 24 years old did I think I would be in surgeon's office for a medically needed procedure. The doctor was nice and thorough and explained everything in great detail. He even performed another ultrasound which interestingly enough did not show a cyst present (God?).

As of today, I am waiting for surgery. It's scheduled for two weeks out. We won't know the extent or lack thereof until the surgery and pathology reports and all that. I've never had surgery before. I may have to have a draining tube for the first week. Recovery is expected to be two weeks. This is truly the unknown for me.

But lets talk about some good. About some God stuff. Man, I truly appreciate God's timing. If this were to have happened a year ago, I would have been so alone. Today I am surrounded by friends and church family, I am surrounded by people who allow themselves to be His hand and feet! Another thing, I was breastfeeding Macie and wasn't intending on weening her anytime soon. But suddenly at 19 months old, in September, she refused to nurse. And for a week I would try, and she would refuse. Just a couple weeks later the nodule was discovered and all this unfolded...I dare you to tell me that wasn't a God thing! I am by no means a patient person. I completely dislike waiting. Ugh! But I am so thankful for all this wait time! For the month from discovering nodule to biopsy, to ultimately the two week wait for final results, and the one month wait from surgeon to surgery. Because of this wait, I have been able to meditate on His word and find peace! I feel like He is preparing me. Really, I do. He is helping me envision life after surgery. Preparing my home and family. It may sound silly, but it is what it is.

There's an incredibly famous verse in Philippians that has been my everything through this. I value this verse and the hope it has given me. It says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Ahh, but there's more!

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things."

Philippians 4:6-8 (emphasis mine)

There's another verse that has been a saving grace to me.

James 2, titled "Faith and Deeds"...WOW! Verses 14-26. WOA! Let's look at a few verses.

v.17 says,

"faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead"

v.18,

"But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do."

v.26,

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."

I honestly love James 2 and would love to quote it all! I encourage all to go read it! It's good stuff. But anyways, this is how I interrepted that. It's more than saying I believe in Jesus...I need to live it! By my actions, by everything! So how can I say I believe or trust in Jesus, yet walk around in fear mode - especially in light of my current situation? That's counter productive. Especially since we're told worrying does not add a single hour to our lives (Matthew 6:27).

BECAUSE I believe in Jesus, and my hope and my trust is in Him, I will NOT allow myself to worry, or my thoughts to wonder. I will take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corin. 10:5). I want my ACTIONS, my DEEDS to reflect what I say when I say I believe and trust in Him!!! Does that make sense? I would love for my deeds/actions alone to say who I put my faith in without me verbally saying it!

For the most part, I have been blessed by being covered in a sea of peace. I mean, I am DROWNING in peace over here! There has only been one time when I totally let my flesh-y-ness or the enemy get to me. And right away I broke out Philippians 4:6-8 and read it and prayed it and cried to my Heavenly Father and guess what happened? A wave of peace came over me!

I don't know what the future holds for me and my family. And I know I have a lot of growing and learning to do in my relationship with God. But one thing that remains through all this is my love for Him. My heart is overflowing with love for Him. With peace, too. It's the weirdest and most amazing thing I've experienced and I can't really explain it. Bottom line is I trust Him! I cannot take credit for the peace or the calm, I can't take credit for the timing. This is all God. And I want for people to look at me and see Him! See His doing! See His glory! So, I hope when you and others hear my story, you see the finger prints of God. I want to be a reflection of Him.

Something pretty cool happened a week ago. Some ladies from my church including my ENTIRE small group all came together before service and prayed for me. Elaine, the lady who organized this and who works at the church, read Pslam 139. She asked what I would like for them to pray about specifically, then I sat in a chair  and they all gathered around and put their hands on me and took turns praying. Never have I been to anything like that before, let alone be the recipient to something like that. It was amazing! I was crying. It was incredible! And especially for my entire small group to be there - ya gotta understand, my church has 3 different service times and all 6 of us are scattered amongst those time and yet every. single. one. of. them. came. They all came! Wow! I felt so incredibly loved. It was awesome!

I will probably be updating on this after surgery is done. We will know more then. Another God thing is surgery was supposed to be on the 17th originally - but thankfully it wasn't. I've got some sorta cold or something about 3 weeks ago and still haven't fully recovered. He's awesome the way He works. Though we don't see the big picture now and though we may not understand everything now, I believe this will all make sense one day, and that it will be for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), AND for His Glory!!!