Saturday, December 10, 2016

Invalid

This word single handledly best describes how I feel.

When it comes to things with my ex, the abuse and neglect and the apparent unfaithfulness. Invalid. Did I ever fight back? Well, yeah. Invalid, Emma. Did he ever beat you so bad you ended up in the hospital? No... Invalid. Did you ever walk in on him with another woman? I have not but - Doesn't matter, Emma, invalid. My feelings that re-immerse (or that have never fully gone away) of anger towards him, invalid. The fact he doesn't visit the kids, invalid because afterall he does call. Or how about him not paying child support like he is supposed to? Invalid because he does send a little and there are other women who receive zero. Invalid across the board, Emma. Get over and get on with it.

The sadness and ache in my heart over having premature ovarian failure/insufficiency, the frustrations of what this diagnosis means for my health and future. When I tell people about this diagnosis, then one day they ask me a question about my cycle or me having future kids - did you not hear what I said? The fact you didn't remember makes me feel invalid. The very real possibility of never having another child, invalid, because I have three already. The fact the Macie wants a sister, and I don't feel like my family is complete, or that I may have a future husband who wants a child with me and all this may never come to be...invalid. Get over it, Mace; go on and adopt, Em; he may never exist - move on with it.

My body is far from perfect. And to have been rejected because of the imperfections of my body, hurts. But that's all invalid because at least I've had a relationship before - remember the marriage to my ex? And I'd probably still be in that marriage had I tried harder - right, friends? Because I have friends who have prayed their ways through rough times in their marriage and they came out on the other end. So obviously the failure is probably my fault in some way which makes my feelings invalid.

When I opened up to you about the abuse of my past and you then suggest my abuser watch our kids so we can go out - invalid. Did you not just hear what I said?! Does my experience mean nothing? My feelings mean nothing? Or when you try to amend things with an estranged parent who was very much so your #1 abuser growing up, and the parent just cannot fully own up to what happened back then...says a brief, "I'm sorry" but then tries to act like nothing ever happened and y'all have been BFF's since forever and you're left like, "what just happened?" and it makes me feel...invalid. Afterall, that person can brush over what happened and I'm stuck in the pain and the consequences of their actions. Are my feelings valid?

When you don't agree (I'll give ya the benefit of the doubt and say you don't understand) my reasons, so you give me labels of which I am not - well, it leaves me feeling invalid. So I share my thoughts or feelings and you're basically telling me I am wrong, so invalid it is. And I shut down my thinking, my ways, and I build that wall higher. And you tell me to move because it would be better, but I want to make here my home but the pressure is all consuming and I know the lack of support I'll receive if I stand up for what I believe so I keep my mouth shut, because I am invalid. The decisions I make, invalid. Stupid, even. What was I thinking?

So I speak up and use words to emphasize how I feel and I am told my words are dramatic which of course makes them one thing; invalid. How do you make someone take you seriously? I just want someone to acknowledge and stand in solidarity. 

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