I feel like an emotional hot mess lately. I'm stuck. Perhaps part of the emotions is caused by the hormonal imbalance of POF/POI but perhaps there's also something more to this...
The world is my oyster and I feel stuck. Do we stay where we are? Do we move northeast to be closer to my sister? Do we move southeast to be closer to our friends, church and their dad? Or do we pick an entirely new state for, yet another, "fresh start"? (I'm thinkin' Utah - y'all, have you seen pictures of Utah?!)
I used to think we were meant to be in NoDak; power of the tongue and a vision I once had. But nothing has happened as planned since we have been here and I'm doubting it all. I love the people I work with, but I know that this work is not what I'm meant to do but for a season (how long that season is I am not sure of). We do not have super tight friends here, friends that are like family - kind of like the friends we have back in GA. We do not have family here. We attend an OK church (after giving almost every church in town a good shot). Zeke has some sweet friends but the others, not so much (though as of tonight I've observed Macie is making friends). It's hard tearing kids away from friends. And the boys have their big brothers who have been so amazing. Do I bite the bullet of loneliness and such and remain here? Or if we were to take a risk, could there be something better, something sweeter out there?
Mass is where my sister is. I love my sister. I am closer to Beth than anyone else in my family. She has three girls close in age to my children. Our kids could grow up together. Her husband is good with my kids - so there's a positive male role model for my kids. We could do holidays, birthdays and just the mundane together. But...to be honest, we vary so differently in a few areas...like religion...which is absolutely fine, but I wonder if all our differences would end up tearing us apart? Doing life together is different than maintaining a phone relationship. (PLEASE NO ONE MISUNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID HERE. I have no beef with people who believe and do differently than I.) I worry about finding a good home church out there...New England is not like the south and is probably more of a mission field area. Then there's the cost of living...O M G and I used to think ND was expensive! It's scary to move out there, no home, no job...what if I can't get a job that pays enough for the cost of living? I don't want to be a burden on anyone - especially my sister. I want my own place, I want to be independent. I think the more I were to rely on her, the more it would strain our relationship. And no offense to Mass or New England in general, but it's just not my cup of tea. I don't think I'd ever want to live there, the only reason the option is on the table is to be closer to family.
Georgia...oh, Georgia. Home of my favorite people. MY BEST FRIENDS EVER WHO ARE MORE LIKE FAMILY. And our church! The best church ever that does things with such intentions - it truly hurts my heart to think my kids aren't growing up in that environment! I miss that church! I wish I hadn't taken for granted all that Georgia offered...in stores, various kinds of doctors, activities and entertainment. Also, the mountains! The woods! Nature! Gorgeous! But I hate the weather with an intense passion...and with having POF/POI, I can stand it even less. And then there's my ex and all of his family. This leads to many pro's and con's (mostly con's), I'm not even going to get into it.
Some place new...I think we could possibly thrive in a whole new place entirely. Bismarck, well, really North Dakota is very small (population wise). So it is kind of clique-ish, it's like one big small town, old fashioned. In theory, if we moved somewhere more populated, we would have the perks of the northeast/metro Atlanta area; various store options, health care options, entertainment and activities. In theory, there would be more people to create relationships with - and more transplants. North Dakotans seem to have a wall up with people who aren't from here, in Georgia (where there is a ton of transplants), that wasn't an issue, so I'm thinkin' it may be a ND thing. I know this option may be the least realistic of 'em all, but so be it God's will...
So, these are things I'm praying about. This is what weighs heavily on my heart because I believe a choice needs to be made in the relatively near future as whatever would happen, would need to happen in late spring/early summer time. Holidays are fast approaching, following the birthday rush and then it's the end of the school year. It'll go by fast.
I just wish I could have all my people and church and put 'em in Utah. (Seriously, HAVE Y'ALL SEEN THE PICS?????) I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, because I need time to mentally prepare. Yes, moreso than anything else, I need to mentally prep myself - that's just the way God made me.
If you feel lead to pray, then by all means. ;) This is something I will need to be pray diligently on, and of course I'll keep the blog updated on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment