This was initially written February 3rd, 2016.
Encouragement from God
I'm in kind of a weird place right now. I'm on week 4 of spring semester and my butt is getting kicked. Between being a single parent to 3, full time college, working, and just life in general, I'm beyond stressed. I know I was last semester - but I got to a place where I was able to balance and eventually came up with a routine that worked. I am not there yet. In fact, I've been (accidentally) missing assignments - am grateful for gracious teachers who have been allowing me to turn them in late. I'm struggling with my course load - in both understanding the topic and the program. I feel like I'm not retaining information and having difficulty concentrating (thankfully, Frankincense EO is on the way to help with that!). I'm so, so, so tired. I can tell my body is not being taken care of the way it needs to be...but what choice do I have? I cannot add more hours to the day, I cannot make someone be there who has chosen not to be.
I beat myself up with I could'ves, should'ves, etc. I don't want to fail my kids. I don't want to scar them. They themselves have come to the realization that dad isn't going to be around. The phone calls are becoming less and less. He doesn't really visit (he's stopped by briefly a few times over the last 3 months). It's hard and painful and this is new territory we're treading. My heart breaks for them and then I become frustrated and angry because I canNOT change this for them. I would if I could, but I have no control in the choices he makes. So now they ask for a dad. Macie the most. She wants someone to love her and live with her. All the kids have lists a mile long of qualities they want. And I become frustrated again, because I can't make this happen. I would love to have a godly husband, father figure and leader for our home, but I simply cannot make it happen. I can pray and hope, but my fear is what if it never happens?? My poor children. (Yes, I encourage them to pray and speak words of life, also reminding them God is a father to the fatherless.)
So, sleep-deprived and overwhelmed with the daily, I recite criticisms to myself. So it's a kiss from Heaven when I tell you God has placed at least 5 people in my life since Thursday night to really lift me up and encourage me.
A counselor, for my youngest, telling me the milestones she has achieved. She tells me I'm doing a great job creating a good environment for this to happen. She commends my parenting. She gives me advice to encourage me. "A child is only as healthy as his/her parent." Wow.
My sister giving me credit for all I do, saying she isn't sure if she could (which I know she could). Encouraging me. Showing concern for my kids which means a lot. She is even sending a book to help Mace cope because she's been having a super hard time. She's even offered to drive 1800 miles to pick up my kids and keep them for a couple weeks. I mean, wow!
My sweet Crystal. My best friend ever. My favorite person (aside from family - but then again she is practically my family!). Today, she kept saying much of what I've been told the past couple of days...but she elaborates and tells me she believes, she KNOWS there is a great husband/father for our family. I love her faith. And so I cling to her words, hoping and believing, tailgating her faith. I have to keep the faith.
This next one sounds odd, but there was a guy I was talking to. We liked each other, but there was one area that we didn't see eye-to-eye. And so he wrote me kind of saying because of this, it wouldn't work. I understand. But he said more...and though some may translate it as a player letting me down softly, I choose to see it differently. Sometimes it is hard to hold on to certain morals. But this guy commended me for opening up, and said I (me) don't really know the brave stand I took. He told me not to relinquish that belief over any guy "EVER". And so this gave me hope in a time I was doubting,that perhaps there is a man out there who also will find my morals commendable, and want to pursue me because of them.
And lastly, a talk I had with Macie's teacher last Thursday. The reason for the talk wasn't so great, but it ended with her complimenting my parenting and acknowledging the challenges of being a single parent.
I have to write these down so that I don't forget. So that in 6 months, 12 months, years down the road I can reflect and see how far my family has come. I am trying to pray daily for my children, for our situation, for our future, and for a godly man for our family. Me sharing that last bit is hard for me...that's me being vulnerable. That's me opening up. And it's hard for me to open up because I'm scared of being hurt, being rejected, being judged.
This next month or so will be crazy as we're heading into our family's birthday season! Four birthdays in a month. Woohoo! As challenging as today is, I know God is at work here and I'm excited to see what comes of everything. :)
I beat myself up with I could'ves, should'ves, etc. I don't want to fail my kids. I don't want to scar them. They themselves have come to the realization that dad isn't going to be around. The phone calls are becoming less and less. He doesn't really visit (he's stopped by briefly a few times over the last 3 months). It's hard and painful and this is new territory we're treading. My heart breaks for them and then I become frustrated and angry because I canNOT change this for them. I would if I could, but I have no control in the choices he makes. So now they ask for a dad. Macie the most. She wants someone to love her and live with her. All the kids have lists a mile long of qualities they want. And I become frustrated again, because I can't make this happen. I would love to have a godly husband, father figure and leader for our home, but I simply cannot make it happen. I can pray and hope, but my fear is what if it never happens?? My poor children. (Yes, I encourage them to pray and speak words of life, also reminding them God is a father to the fatherless.)
So, sleep-deprived and overwhelmed with the daily, I recite criticisms to myself. So it's a kiss from Heaven when I tell you God has placed at least 5 people in my life since Thursday night to really lift me up and encourage me.
A counselor, for my youngest, telling me the milestones she has achieved. She tells me I'm doing a great job creating a good environment for this to happen. She commends my parenting. She gives me advice to encourage me. "A child is only as healthy as his/her parent." Wow.
My sister giving me credit for all I do, saying she isn't sure if she could (which I know she could). Encouraging me. Showing concern for my kids which means a lot. She is even sending a book to help Mace cope because she's been having a super hard time. She's even offered to drive 1800 miles to pick up my kids and keep them for a couple weeks. I mean, wow!
My sweet Crystal. My best friend ever. My favorite person (aside from family - but then again she is practically my family!). Today, she kept saying much of what I've been told the past couple of days...but she elaborates and tells me she believes, she KNOWS there is a great husband/father for our family. I love her faith. And so I cling to her words, hoping and believing, tailgating her faith. I have to keep the faith.
This next one sounds odd, but there was a guy I was talking to. We liked each other, but there was one area that we didn't see eye-to-eye. And so he wrote me kind of saying because of this, it wouldn't work. I understand. But he said more...and though some may translate it as a player letting me down softly, I choose to see it differently. Sometimes it is hard to hold on to certain morals. But this guy commended me for opening up, and said I (me) don't really know the brave stand I took. He told me not to relinquish that belief over any guy "EVER". And so this gave me hope in a time I was doubting,that perhaps there is a man out there who also will find my morals commendable, and want to pursue me because of them.
And lastly, a talk I had with Macie's teacher last Thursday. The reason for the talk wasn't so great, but it ended with her complimenting my parenting and acknowledging the challenges of being a single parent.
I have to write these down so that I don't forget. So that in 6 months, 12 months, years down the road I can reflect and see how far my family has come. I am trying to pray daily for my children, for our situation, for our future, and for a godly man for our family. Me sharing that last bit is hard for me...that's me being vulnerable. That's me opening up. And it's hard for me to open up because I'm scared of being hurt, being rejected, being judged.
This next month or so will be crazy as we're heading into our family's birthday season! Four birthdays in a month. Woohoo! As challenging as today is, I know God is at work here and I'm excited to see what comes of everything. :)
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