Break The Silence

I'm taking a break from school work to write this, simply because it must be said. Too often people keep these things hidden when they should be brought to light...brought to light for healing purposes and to let others know they're not alone.

Various translations of Ephesians 5:13:

• But everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. (NIV)

• But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, (NLT)

• But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, (ESV)

• But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light [of God’s precepts], for [a]it is light that makes everything visible. (AMP)

• But everything the light shines on can be seen. And everything that the light shines on becomes a light. (NIRV)

Things with my ex-husband are less than ideal. The visits, the calls all lessen over time. He has made the choice to not be involved in various activities of the children. His true narcissistic colors are showing more and more. Conversations always seems to come back to him instead of focusing on the children and their needs. 

He was *always* verbally and emotionally abusive. It was becoming more physical towards the end (with a few instances all throughout). All of our time together, I never saw it for what it was. Maybe it's because I witnessed an abusive marriage growing up? Dysfunction was my "normal". I blamed his anger on myself. If I would have done this, said that/not said that, if I would try harder... Those were my thoughts that kept me entrapped in a toxic marriage where he slowly tore me apart and was working on doing the same to our children. By the end of our marriage, he had already threatened to kill me a couple times. He was also waking me up in the middle of the night by throwing things at me and calling me names. At this point I was so broken, I knew there were no words I could say to calm him or make him stop. So, I stood there and took the words. I'll never forget the night his name-calling awoke our eldest, and my son hugged me tightly and told me those things dad was calling me, weren't true.

It got to the point I didn't want to live. It was always bad, but by the time we left Georgia to move 1600 miles away to live in a small town - I had lost my community, church and friends. All I had was this man who, the only interaction I had with him, was toxic. He yelled, name called, pushed me around, throw things at me, zero patience, 110% full force anger. It was constant. Not once a week or once a day, but every. single. interaction. every. single. day. I dreaded waking up in the morning. I had to be so strong to "save" my marriage, to PROTECT my kids (from their dad!). It was exhausting. I was still trying to recoup from cancer. I was so depressed. I felt hopeless. I hated the idea of divorce but it was starting to feel like either leave or die.

Since I left, since our divorce was finalized, I've had many difficult conversations with this man. Ones much worse than the one I had last night. But last night, it really hit me just how abusive this man is - still is - and we aren't even together and he still tears me apart every time he gets a chance, and I still sit there and take it. People say I'm strong, I even think I am to an extent, but last night it hit me how weak I am.

The whole point of me talking to him was about the children's upcoming birthdays. And wouldn't ya know, he took the opportunity to tell me what an awful wife I was, what an awful mother I was and apparently still am - what a horrible person I am - that he, my abuser, deserves so much better than me. Just on and on, with a smile on his face (this was Facetime). He believes those words. And I just listened as he spewed these lies at me. I didn't hang up - it's like I couldn't, I was frozen. Part of me was waiting for him to show some sort of feeling, waiting for him to say something remotely nice about me. How can you be with someone for 12 years, be married to them, have 3 kids by them and hate them so bad? Was I the perfect wife? Heck no, but I was far from the worst. I was faithful and I believed in him and I can honestly say I tried everything in my power, according to my knowledge, to make it work. But it takes 100%-100%, and as a narcissistic, he had (and has?!) zero desire to change. 

Ultimately, he ended up hanging up on me. My abuser hung up on me. I just wanted to talk about the kids birthdays and all I got was an earful of how awful a person I am and got hung up on. I cried to my sister about this. 14 months removed and I still have so much healing/growing to do. Don't get me wrong - these last 14 months have been full of positive improvements but I still have a ways to go. With the help of Christ, I'll keep working on becoming a stronger person. I will work on being intentional and cautious about the relationships I maintain. I will not repeat history. 

I share this because I think silence is dangerous. The reality is there are people in abusive relationships. We need to talk about this! We shouldn't have to walk this journey alone. I find talking about therapeutic, healing, and strengthening. This will not define me but refine me to be the best I can be. The more I share truth, the more power he will lose over me.  

2 Corinithians 12:9:

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.