FAMILY CAME TO VISIT!

Wednesday July 27th, 2016

My big sister, Beth, and her husband, Rudy, and their three girls Sophia, Grace and Lily came from Mass to visit us for a few days! I haven't seen my sis in 10.5 years! They stayed at a local KOA campground and my kids got stay with them. It was so nice getting to spend time together and for the kids to see each other. We were all so sad when they left. Hope to get to see them more!

Fall Out Boy concert

Friday July 22, 2016

Fall Out Boy concert at

The North Dakota State Fair in

Minot, North Dakota

Zeke is such a good kid and he's been an incredible help to me - since forever - but especially this summer. When he first heard about Fall Out Boy coming to NoDak, he wanted to go. And I was hoping I'd be able to make it happen but I was truly uncertain how I'd make it work with Ash and Macie. (I was even contemplating taking all 3 kids to this concert!) But as they say it takes a village and last minute I was able to swing it. A gracious friend of mine from work kindly agreed to keep Ash and Mace, my boss allowed me to leave work early. 

It was a direct shot to Minot but once I got there, I must've taken a wrong turn or something because it seemed forever til we found the fair, but we got there! Once we got into the fair, or got to the line to buy admission tickets, we were right behind his friend, Ashton, from school! How cool! I know that made this night even more special for Zeke. We all kind of stayed together. It was so nice.

Zeke was so sweet and appreciative. I got him a FOB shirt as a souvenir. I don't get much alone time with Zeke, so this was a special time. Grateful for this experience with him and SO GRATEFUL to call Zeke my son!

On the way home, a storm was coming in. As we were heading south, we saw the storm off in the distance towards home. The big skies of North Dakota make storms extremely intense. So I could see the lightning but it wasn't really where we were. As we drove closer to town, the rain came down and now we were under the lightning. A strange light came on in my car and I started to worry. It was about 12:30am and trying to get to Asher and Macie and there was the storm and now this car light. I did the only thing I knew to and that was to call out to God. As I pray, as the rain poured, as the lightning lit up the sky, a song by The Afters came on, "Light Up The Sky" and the peace of God came over me...and guess what? That light that was on in my car went off. What a sweet reminder that God is with me and He lights up the sky (through lightning sometimes?!) to let me know just that. That was also one of the songs I clung to in 2013.

All in all, it was a wonderful day filled with sweet memories. Grateful! <3

It is hard not to be a man hater right now...to not be a cynic right now.

Once I start allowing myself to feel comfortable around him, once I start to like him, he stops liking me, he is done with me. And "he" always handles the situation poorly. Be a man, say what you're thinking instead of avoiding it; instead of acting like you never knew me.

My heart is left broken and I am angered.

And I realize my emotional and spiritual health affects my physical and so this is something I need to get a hold of. I don't trust anyone! I don't believe anyone! And the second I start to let my wall down, they're done with me. I feel the tears coming now as I replay conversations we had. But hey! Whatever, he's good to move on. Good for him.

Lord help me.

4th of July 2016

Monday July 4, 2016

My kiddos, Nichole's three and Fallon's two girls. 

Second pool we went to; someone pooped in the first one! 

Zeke got super sun burnt. He went to a pool party Saturday and then on the 4th...he was in a lot of pain. I felt so bad for him. He passed out early (for him) that night.

Sunset.

We spent the day with Nichole and Fallon and their kiddos. We went to (two) pools, cooked out at Nichole's. They went to see the fireworks but we watched from our apartment because Zeke didn't feel good from being so sun burnt.

He May Never Be

I think I have spent a lot of time fantasizing about what my future husband will be like. I've always assumed he would love me in spite of my flaws. That perhaps it would be my flaws that would make him love me so. That he will see my heart behind the action, the pain and the strength, and love me for it. Have a heart of mercy and grace for me. But what I've come to realize, this very well may never be the case. My future husband may not look over my sins and flaws sympathetically as I'd of hope him to. In fact, they may be an eye sore for him...something that's hard for him to get over, difficult for him to deal with. Because whether we like it or not, our past has a direct affect on our future.

I look at these Christian men who have these impeccable morals and it's all I want in a future husband and step father to my children. And now I'm stopped dead in my tracks- has the choices I've made in my past hindered me from having a relationship with such a person? It is a possibility. I'm not sure anymore if there's hope for me. I'm uncertain of what the future looks like for me in the dating arena. But all this - it brings me back to wanting to emphasize the importance of intentionality. We need to think long term about our choices and the affect they will have, because no doubt they will have an affect. What do you want your story to be?

Your Praise On My Lips

This is how I feel. Right now it's easy to say, feel and believe this. Life's like that; certain seasons and trials we cling to Jesus, can't get enough, and the desire of our heart is for that. But I know my struggle is when I feel free and alive and healthy and like I still have my whole life ahead of me, sometimes I put Jesus on the back burner...sometimes it leads to less than ideal choices. Sometimes it leads to an ungrateful heart. And that heart of mine starts to wandering in those times when I feel invincible, when I leave my Jesus on the back burner. Inevitably, those seasons lead to choices that knock the breath out of me and once more I'm laying at the feet of Jesus, begging for mercy and seeking peace. |

You guys, this is not the story I want to tell. I want to be a faithful servant ESPECIALLY when life is good, boring and mundane. Those times when I feel most alive??? I want to be obedient to Him, even though I think I can "afford" some risks. Where I am today, I do not ever want to be again. I hate my wandering, ungrateful flesh. The struggle between spirit and flesh that Paul speaks of in the book of Romans is real, y'all.