Peter Pan

"The smile, the charm, the words, the spark

Everything, you had it

I guess I had a naive heart, 'cause boy

I let you have it"

Dating is making a cynic of me. 

I was dating this one guy over the summer. Most dates I've had with anyone thus far. He pursued at first, but after the first couple of meetings, it kind of stopped. However, every time we were together, his words were so sweet - but then days would pass without a word from him. Friends and I came up with explanations for this, giving him the benefit of the doubt, though in my heart of hearts I knew guys pursue who they want. It ended abruptly. Before he officially ended it, I was contemplating it, but he beat me to it. It is what it is. Don't get it a big head over it, boy, I know you didn't hang the moon or stars. ;)

"Deep down, I knew that you were too good to be true
But every piece and part of me wanted to believe in you
But now it's happily ever never
I guess now I know better"

And from my experience of having been on dates with 9 guys in about 6.5-ish months, I'm torn between being a man hater and wanting a relationship with one. I don't understand this world we live in, the men roaming it, or the dating scene at all. I know what I want, but I also know I'm prone to settle and calling it "grace", "giving him a chance", "what if". Perhaps enough is enough?

I am finding it so hard with being content with life passing by. I'm in the trenches of raising my children, alone, I'm living what is supposed to be some of the best years of my life, alone. I know I'm supposed to be content and give thanks in all circumstances, but I'm finding that to be the most challenging part of all. I want a good man and I want him now, I don't want to spend another day alone. I've felt alone my whole life and I'm sick of it. Even in my marriage I had to face so much of everything by myself because he just didn't want to bother. My heart aches over this. I can want what I want all day long but it doesn't change the fact that I am not in control of this. I am in control of men I choose to date, but I simply cannot snap my fingers and POOF! there he is.

"You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man"

One foot in, one foot out, convinced there's always someone better lurking around the next bend. Thanks to social media for making that easy for one to do. Thanks to social media for helping make the grass look greener on the other side. The excuses I've heard from guys has been ridiculous. I could write a book. In fact, I think they all get their game plans from the same book! 

"You're just a lost boy,

Yeah, I know who you are

And you don't know what you lost, boy,

Too busy chasing stars"

The continual dating that leads to nowhere sometimes leaves me bummed and like there's something wrong with me, like I'm not good enough. While other times, I am reminded what a good woman I am and what I have to offer and therefore I shouldn't settle. 

Lyrics by Kelsea Ballerini, "Peter Pan"