Asher John

I've been learning so much about Asher lately.

He is a deep thinker. He is sensitive. He is wise. He is smart. He is self-less. He's a protector. He's a defender. He internalizes. 

He is a beautiful person, inside and out. I am so proud of him for who he is.

As I learn more about who Asher is, I'm trying to adjust and be what he needs. 

The thing about Asher is he comes across silly, wild and rough. But once you get past that and get to know him, he is quite the opposite. He is such a gentle guy, loving kid. 

He is so sweet, loving, gentle in nature.

(This is from when we watched a friends baby.)

My heart melts when I find him cuddled so sweetly to his little sister. No matter how they may fight, he will always turn around and defend her. Always.

He knows how my feet hurt at times and he is just about always willing to rub my feet. 

He will randomly tell me he loves me, that I'm beautiful. Randomly hug me, kiss me. Y'all, how did I get to be so blessed?

He has grown in bravery as he took swimming lessons and can now swim and he totally conquered 9ft side which even I wouldn't dream of doing!

His big brother signed him up to do this and I was able to go a couple times and what a joy it was!

This boy has my heart.

The story of how Asher came to be is a story of forgiveness and redemption. My heart aches when I see this little fella whom I love struggle with sadness - BECAUSE of his tender heart. This boy is good. So good. God has big plans in store for him. I'm so lucky to be his mama.

Bless Their Hearts

Macie says some of the sweetest stuff.

Today she prayed TWICE for everyone who dies today that God will "bless their hearts".

Then at Zeke's Boy Scout meeting, we were coloring. She has been learning to read and write in school so she's been doing a lot it at home lately. She was writing and wrote, "I love mom because she gave me life." How cute is that?! And just the other night she wrote, "I am thankful you are alive" and "I'm thankful you're beautiful" - she cracks me up! I know my girl loves me and is a total mama's girl and I'm soaking it all in!

A Rough Morning Turns Into Grace

Friday November 4th, 2016

Our day started off with a rough morning. Strong, hurt emotions lead to dragging of the feet which lead to leaving the house late, which lead to a chaotic drop off at school. She was shaken up as was I. I went to work in tears, e-mailed her teacher and school counselor - I wanted them to know, to talk to her to make her feel better. I messaged a few friends...more tears. Couldn't seem to focus on the tasks before me at work. My mind and heart were back at school with my youngest. I asked my boss if I could surprise her at lunch; she allowed me to. I do not take for granted my boss at all; she is unlike any other I've had before; she is a godly woman who embodies grace. 

I was able to surprise my little girl and sit with her at lunch. We snapped a couple pictures. Though I was grateful, I found it hard to smile; it was an emotionally taxing day. Getting to see her I think improved both of our days.

I am gonna mess up. I will never be a perfect parent. But boy oh boy am I ever grateful for gracious children who forgive easy and love hard.

I was able to see his guy which was such a treat. He was all, "Hi mom, bye mom, you're embarrassing me." But I definitely got in a few kisses before leaving. ;) 

Halloween 2016

Monday October 31st, 2016

Halloween

In all our years living here, this was actually our first time celebrating Halloween here! (First year we just moved and didn't participate minus Asher and Zeke running to the neighbors for candy, and the other two years we went out of town.) 

Macie was lady bug, Asher a ninja and Zeke was Harambe, the gorilla from the Ohio zoo. That kid has a sense of humor! 

We had a wonderful Halloween, but it was different. For the first time ever, I didn't have all my kids with me. Yes, Zeke went trick-or-treating with his friends. Zeke is a good and responsible young man, as are his close friends. I am truly impressed by them all. Bismarck is relatively small and safe. They all have phones. And I went over safety talks with Zeke. He had a good time!

Meanwhile, I took Ash and Mace and we went to Hebron to go trick-or-treating with our friends - Emily and her family. I was so tired I started to fall asleep on the drive so I pulled over to get some shut eye for 10 minutes (yes, I know, 28 years old and falling asleep at 5pm on a Monday). As I looked out my car windshield, I observed the beauty that is North Dakota, so I snapped some pictures. How crazy that I once found this state ugly. I had high expectations of what I expected North Dakota to be like, so many expectations of what I wanted to happen within my family once in this state, and not a single one of them came true. Not one! But it's all okay, I am not angry...

Aside from the drastic change in family dynamic, I have gone from hating the small town life to appreciating it's beauty and what makes it unique. I  can now look at an open plain and see it's beauty. My heart truly loves this state, and if the day comes we no longer call this place home, I will genuinely miss it.

...back to Halloween. I always have fun with Emily and our kiddos had a blast as well. :) We ate pizza and carrots, then went trick-or-treating for close to an hour. Oh, and we only saw one clown! As he was approaching the porch Macie was on, I ran over and grabbed her hand as I knew she would be scared. And she was; clinging to the door and reaching for Emily's son's hand, she was paralyzed with fear, I grabbed her and she spent the rest of her the night looking over her shoulder. Big brother Asher kept her posted on the clowns whereabouts the rest of the evening. He is such a good, protective brother.

All in all, it was a good Halloween. If the last few years have taught me anything, it's to be in the moment. Take it in. Treasure it all. You never know when your last day is going to be. Give thanks in all circumstances. Sounds deep for just a night of trick-or-treating, but I don't take sweet friendships or pretty sunsets for granted anymore. ;)

Happy Halloween, folks.

Rock & A Hard Place

I feel like an emotional hot mess lately. I'm stuck. Perhaps part of the emotions is caused by the hormonal imbalance of POF/POI but perhaps there's also something more to this...

The world is my oyster and I feel stuck. Do we stay where we are? Do we move northeast to be closer to my sister? Do we move southeast to be closer to our friends, church and their dad? Or do we pick an entirely new state for, yet another, "fresh start"? (I'm thinkin' Utah - y'all, have you seen pictures of Utah?!)

I used to think we were meant to be in NoDak; power of the tongue and a vision I once had. But nothing has happened as planned since we have been here and I'm doubting it all. I love the people I work with, but I know that this work is not what I'm meant to do but for a season (how long that season is I am not sure of). We do not have super tight friends here, friends that are like family  -  kind of like the friends we have back in GA. We do not have family here. We attend an OK church (after giving almost every church in town a good shot). Zeke has some sweet friends but the others, not so much (though as of tonight I've observed Macie is making friends). It's hard tearing kids away from friends. And the boys have their big brothers who have been so amazing. Do I bite the bullet of loneliness and such and remain here? Or if we were to take a risk, could there be something better, something sweeter out there?

Mass is where my sister is. I love my sister. I am  closer to Beth than anyone else in my family. She has three girls close in age to my children. Our kids could grow up together. Her husband is good with my kids - so there's a positive male role model for my kids. We could do holidays, birthdays and just the mundane together. But...to be honest, we vary so differently in a few areas...like religion...which is absolutely fine, but I wonder if all our differences would end up tearing us apart? Doing life together is different than maintaining a phone relationship. (PLEASE NO ONE MISUNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID HERE. I have no beef with people who believe and do differently than I.) I worry about finding a good home  church out there...New England is not like the south and is probably more of a mission field area. Then there's the cost of living...O M G and I used to think ND was expensive! It's scary to move out there, no home, no job...what if I can't get a job that pays enough for the cost of living? I don't want to be a burden on anyone - especially my sister. I want my own place, I want to be independent. I think the more I were to rely on her, the more it would strain our relationship. And no offense to Mass or New England in general, but it's just not my cup of tea. I don't think I'd ever want to live there, the only reason the option is on the table is to be closer to family.

Georgia...oh, Georgia. Home of my favorite people. MY BEST FRIENDS EVER WHO ARE MORE LIKE FAMILY. And our church! The best church ever that does things with such intentions - it truly hurts my heart to think my kids aren't growing up in that environment! I miss that church! I wish I hadn't taken for granted all that Georgia offered...in stores, various kinds of doctors, activities and entertainment. Also, the mountains! The woods! Nature! Gorgeous! But I hate the weather with an intense passion...and with having POF/POI, I can stand it even less. And then there's my ex and all of his family. This leads to many pro's and con's (mostly con's), I'm not even going to get into it. 

Some place new...I think we could possibly thrive in a whole new place entirely. Bismarck, well, really North Dakota is very small (population wise). So it is kind of clique-ish, it's like one big small town, old fashioned. In theory, if we moved somewhere more populated, we would have the perks of the northeast/metro Atlanta area; various store options, health care options, entertainment and activities. In theory, there would be more people to create relationships with - and more transplants. North Dakotans seem to have a wall up with people who aren't from here, in Georgia (where there is a ton of transplants), that wasn't an issue, so I'm thinkin' it may be a ND thing. I know this option may be the least realistic of 'em all, but so be it God's will...

So, these are things I'm praying about. This is what weighs heavily on my heart because I believe a choice needs to be made in the relatively near future as whatever would happen, would need to happen in late spring/early summer time. Holidays are fast approaching, following the birthday rush and then it's the end of the school year. It'll go by fast.

I just wish I could have all my people and church and put 'em in Utah. (Seriously, HAVE Y'ALL SEEN THE PICS?????) I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, because I need time to mentally prepare. Yes, moreso than anything else, I need to mentally prep myself - that's just the way God made me.

If you feel lead to pray, then by all means. ;) This is something I will need to be pray diligently on, and of course I'll keep the blog updated on it. 

It's A Hit!

Thursday October 27th, 2016

Asher's 3rd grade performance

I also saved video tape to Instagram and privately on Facebook. It was such a joy to watch Asher sing and dance! He had me laughing and in tears! I'm so proud of him!

Rain Drop: Standing In The Gap

Friday October 21st, 2016

Cub Scout (Bear) den meeting

Thankful for men who stand in the gap and speak truth to my boys.

At Cub Scouts they're learning how to use a knife and carve. They were to make a circle from a bar of soap. Asher mentioned his looked like a rain drop. His den leader took it in his hand and complimented Asher on a wonderful job, kept reassuring that his soap carving looks great, and to be easy as it's only his first time. He just kept going on and on with the uplifting talk which is so vital for Asher to hear as he can be hard on himself. "I am proud of you," he said. And all night I feel like his den leader has been especially helpful, attentive and encouraging to Asher, moreso than ever before.

You guys...God is so good to place special people in our path to speak sweet words and fill certain roles that others have chosen to abandon. This mama's heart is full.

My Zeke! 

"Mom, Zeke looks like an emo." - Asher