Heart of Gold

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

First off, Macie has no idea how good she has it in the brother department. No. Freaking. Idea. Secondly, this boy is such a protector. He defends and protects everyone in his family - he'd rather be mistreated than witness any of us being mistreated.

They're supposed to be sleeping, but he's reading her a story from her favorite book. He stops and closes the book when he notices I'm about to snap a pic. He doesn't like the attention. His actions are good and pure, they aren't done for praise. The heart on that boy. <3

Genesis 50:20

This will probably be one of those rambling posts.

These last 6 days have rocked my world. I feel dead but am very much alive. I feel numb. I no longer know what the future holds for me, I feel like I have no right to dream anymore. I am disappointed in myself and hurt by someone else. That person is not who I thought they were at all. It blows my mind how some can just lie. Just look you dead in the face and lie to you like it's no big deal. How some people have seemingly good morals and yet behind closed doors behave completely opposite of those morals. I am struggling with how I should approach this...what my feelings toward this person should be. I know my ultimate goal is to forgive and love, just as Christ has done for me. I don't want to hold on to any bitter feelings towards anyone anymore. Onward and upward.

But I still feel dead. I know now more than ever that if things are to change it will be a complete miracle from Heaven. I realize now more than ever that I subconsciously sabotage myself because I am subconsciously convinced I don't deserve any good - so I push the good away, and fully embrace what I know will end up hurting me/make my life difficult. It's a habit I developed as a young child, and it is one that MUST. END. NOW. I've taken small steps in this direction this year but now it's time to be more drastic. I'm done doing life this way. 

I AM DONE.

First time I get a gut feeling that says, "No!" "This isn't right." "Get away!" "____ is lying!" I'm going to listen. I'm constantly giving the benefit of the doubt but for now on when it comes to comprising my morals or my safety, then it's a RESOUNDING HECK NO and I'm fleeing.

Oh my heart hurts. I keep thinking about my best friend Crystal and how I wish I was hanging out with her. I wish I could have a hug. I wish I was back in Georgia. I wish my ex wasn't a narcissistic abuser so that we could still be together. I wish I had my old life as a stay at home mom volunteering at her kids school and weekly shopping trips to Trader Joe's. 

Somehow among the numbness of reality, I have to muster the strength and motivation to keep on with school and life. I have to find joy again. My confidence in self and hope in humanity have been shaken this week and I have two very important doctors appointments coming up within the next 9 days. I need those to go well because I cannot imagine how I'll handle another blow. The fact that I actually have peace makes me think the news will be less than ideal. 

So I'm clinging to this verse as I face the days ahead. Easier said than done, but what other options do I have? I have to cling to my Father in Heaven. Him and my kids, they're all I've got.

Push

I noticed that sometimes I push God away when I need Him most. Like, maybe because He will be displeased with me for having "drifted" some in my life lately? Or because I haven't trusted Him much lately and now here I am wanting to fall at His feet and beg for mercy? Why would I push away the ONLY One who can actually make a difference? The ONLY One who cares at all times? Who loves the unlovable side of me?! What is my deal?!

Y'all, it's about that time of the year again; cancer check. Part of me is angry that this is something I even have to do. Another part of me is riddled with fear and anxiety. Part of me is SCARED to even contemplate allowing God's peace to cover me because all that would mean is He is preparing me for some bad news and a rough road on up ahead! Again,

WHAT IS MY DEAL?!

Why can't I just be one of those happy-go-lucky people?! Because if I fake my contentment with whatever God allows, I will be lying because I want what I want when I want it. And I want to be cancer-free for life and healthy and live a long life with my family. How can I pretend - let alone actually BE - content with the fact that God may allow sickness to enter into my life once again?? When will I let go and let God? 

I want the faith I had 3 years ago. But I don't want that trial ever again! Oh Lord, grow my faith (but without sickness or loss of loved one). See? I'm so scared to just trust...

Prayers are always appreciated. <3

UPDATE: Results are in and am still c-free! Praise the Lord!

Dating

So, I'm in this new, fun season of dating <sarcasm>. To be honest, I feel incredibly lost. Last time I dated, I was a  teenager. I don't have much experience in this category since I've basically just been in a relationship with one man my whole life.

I intentionally took the first year off to be single and heal and process and focus on the person I want to be, and the kind of person I want to be with. Listening to Andy Stanley's series "The New Rules For Love, Sex & Dating" helped with this. We separated in VERY early December 2014 so I said December 2015 - but, even better to wait for January 2016 because I didn't think the holidays would be a good time to pursue a relationship.

So, since January, the process has started and I'm not having fun.

Let me explain, I have so many insecurities I am still working against - they've been drilled in my head by some of the most pivotal relationships in my life, so it's a hard habit to break. I'm torn with thinking I'm this ugly hot mess to thinking I'm a beautiful women with so much to offer. Like how that happens?

So, I take things personally. After meeting someone, I go home and over analyze every word, action, etc. It's ridiculous. I make myself physical ill as I beat myself over things I said or didn't say. I automatically assume he doesn't like me/won't like me - if not for what I said/did, then for how I apologize for it. I assume the worst. After all, if the "love of my youth", my (ex) husband, the father of my kids did not love me right or want me, why would anyone else?? Because surely now I'm his leftovers, I'm damaged goods. And I have 3 kids en tow so I'm a packaged deal - that's pretty intimidating! My sister and friend had a marvelous point - why am I so focused on what these guys think of me? I need to be more focused on what I think of them. Wow!

I think the whole world of social media complicates the dating process. Two of the guys I've met, the ones who I actually somewhat "dated", I've suspected of lying. And in my mind, if you weren't lying, you'd try to prove me wrong, but neither did. They were basically like, "Whatever" and moved on. Which confirms to me I'm not worth fighting for, they didn't really like me, so what was the point of dating me to begin with?

Look, I get this is kind of emotional for having just started dating, but I'm trying to be honest and transparent here. The most recent incident has me all hurt and upset, yet relieved and hopeful that OK, so he's not the one...that's one more ruled out, which means I'm one more closer to the one I'm supposed to be with. Onward & upward. The emotions and feelings with dating as a single mama is real! It's hard. I look forward to the day this season is over! 

I have a specific prayer that I've prayed many times. I don't pray it faithfully every day, but whenever it's on my mind I do. This prayer is based on a couple stories I've heard from remarried single mamas. They got real specific with God on what kind of man they were looking for, and low and behold, that's what they got in their next spouse. Because I don't have time to waste, because there's 3 kids involved, I need to be intentional here. And my hope is I get to see this prayer take life and I can't wait to meet him. The qualities I prayer go a little something like this...

I want a man who loves God, loves my kids, loves me. A man who is funny and outgoing. A man who works with his hands. A man who knows a lot about the land and how to live off it. A man to teach me and my kids these things. A man with facial hair and truck to boot wouldn't hurt. ;)

But yes, those are the qualities I pray for. I know our prayers don't always get answered. I know sometimes God's answer is "no". And I suppose that's what bothers me the most in all of this; the unknown of if I'll be single forever or if I will get to be in a loving, committed relationship turned marriage one day. 

The best I can do right now is to continue to grow and better myself, while maintaining the hope. I look forward to seeing where I am 6 months from now, 12 months from now and so on. I will say that the only New Years Resolution type thing I made, was to find myself; to become more than just a mom and find hobbies and interests, etc. To go out with friends, etc. 3 months in to the new year and this has played out so far and so this gives me hope that with time the relationship situation will work itself out. Patience is key - and also, remaining hopeful, keeping the faith, and trusting God.

Parenting

Today, parenting was not so joyful, not so fun.

My kids were at each other and the house was a wreck, and am in the middle of war in my soul and feel so vulnerable and fragile. I just could not deal with the chaos.

Instead of reacting in haste, instead of saying something I'd soon regret, I chose to separate myself from the situation. I needed nature, I needed to feel the warm sun on my skin, I needed to feel closer to my Creator.

I walked up and down the block multiple times trying to gather my thoughts and emotions. Like I said, I've been feeling so vulnerable lately and inadequate. "I can't do this" crossed my mind as I heard a certain child of mine screaming from inside the apartment as I was still a ways up the block.

Parenting is so much more than taking care of their physical needs. And I am knee deep in the trenches of parenthood, alone; I don't have their father to co-parent with, I don't have a parent of my own to call and vent to or to receive advice from. I feel so alone, inadequate, vulnerable and fragile. Yet I feel such a responsibility to them; I cannot give up.

I wish people would take more consideration into becoming a parent beforehand. Having a baby will not save your relationship, they don't stay cute and cuddly forever, their needs come before your wants. Don't get me wrong, there is much joy to be had in raising kids, but I would say most of the time it is a challenging, difficult, and humbling experience.

It's a good thing they're so cute.

Easter 2016

Sunday March 27th, 2016

Read Easter story out of kids Bible Saturday night; Sunday morning baskets, breakfast, church, followed by candy hunt in afternoon.

"Oh, praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."

"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Luke 24:5-6

Zeke's Birthday Party

Saturday March 10th, 2016