If I could talk to the young me

If I could go back in time and talk to my old self, my young self ...

I would tell her to be intentional. With her words, actions, clothing. To be mindful of long term consequences. We can be forgiven of all sins, but that does not mean we are free of the consequences. Sometimes those consequences follow us into adulthood and are thrown in our face and spoken behind our back even though you've been set free. This is the consequence of the choices you made. And we know life isn't fair, so anyone at any time may bring it up...they may not look at you with such love and grace as your Heavenly Father does- they may be more critical and lack mercy. They may not see you for who you've become, but who you were. They may not understand your why's for doing what you did, they may not care about your history and lack of love and self worth growing up that lead to those sins. They just see you as a sinner, a criminal, a whore (or whatever your sin may have been) and that is how they keep you marked in their book. Thankfully- we know that thru salvation in Jesus Christ we are forgiven of our sins. But again, our sins bear consequences, and life/people aren't fair.

So I ask young (or any age) people, what you do/say/wear, where is this leading? Are you desensitizing yourself from reality? Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Are you so scared that you are making a choice out of fear - not even considering the long term affects? Will your choices today negatively affect your future in someway? Are these choices something you would be proud to tell a future spouse, child, employer?

Sometimes living the intentional life with the bigger picture in mind is hard ... But I think the alternative, the past sins coming back to haunt you, people not giving you a fair chance but judging you based on those sins as a youth - I think all that is so much worse.

Dear young Emma,
I wish you knew at 17 that your Savior loves you - even if the men in your life walked away, hurt you, and didn't love you, He did/does and HE IS ENOUGH. I wish you knew that no problem you may face in life is bigger or too big for God...that if you humbly come before Him, He will lead you down the right the path and sustain you. I wish you didn't care so much about what others think about you...because when the going got tough, they all left, and only He was there, arms wide open. He is all you need and then some. Oh Emma, how I wish you didn't compromise your beliefs/morals to appease those around you. I wish you knew what He says about you, I wish you were confident in His truth.

But alas, there is no time machine, there is no going back. So what can I do? I can share my story, specifically with my children, I can pray for them/with them, point them towards Christ and may they choose to live with intention.

God speaks

About 8 years ago, in 2007 (it was the end of March, I believe) I heard something said at church that I knew was meant for me. And when it was said, it was like everyone else had disappeared and it was just me and God. And I had goosebumps and I cried. I tried so hard not to cry, but I was unsuccessful; a woman sitting in front of me even asked me if I was OK! Kind of embarrassing, but I was overcome - that was one of the few times I have heard God speak directly to me. The words were spoken by Jeff Henderson, and it had to do with forgiveness.

Today I had a similar experience. Sometimes if I have the extra 40 minutes at the gym, I'll ride the bike and listen to an Andy Stanley  sermon. (The bike is the only piece of workout equipment I can seem to handle without upbeat music. ;) ) "Doubt not" is what he spoke on and he briefly touched on a subject similar to my current situation. And yes, for a moment I had to reexamine my situation and my personal choice, and I felt peace and I had to remind myself that the circumstances surrounding my situation is different than theirs. Sometimes I wish I could get others to understand this - I feel like people don't really understand why things are this way, and why they have to be. Shortly after, he said something, "if you are in a ..." and there it was - MY SITUATION. And the words that followed were exactly something I had struggled with for so long. And the goosebumps returned, and it was just me and God, and peace overwhelmed my soul. And I know that He loves me still, and that He will see me and my family through this.

People around me may still not get it, they may completely disagree - and though I shouldn't let it bother me, it kind of does bother me. But today my God, my Father, my Savior spoke to me, and He and I are good. And He knows the circumstances surrounding this situation, He understands the struggle. He is with me and He is for me. He loves me and He forgives me, and that's all I really need.

Today Was A GOOD Day

Something so little can have such a profound impact...

The kids spent the day with their father and I, instead of staying home and lounging to Lifetime or HGTV, instead of cleaning or straightening up, I made plans to go out! I had lunch with a gal I met from Bible study who is going thru a similar situation and we spent about 3 hours just talking and listening and it was nice. Afterwards, I met another friend who I also met at Bible study, and we went for coffee/tea. We sat on cozy furniture by a fireplace at a delicious smelling coffee shop while it rained outside and we discussed children, gym, and personal struggles.

Oh how my heart overflowed with gratitude! After coffee/tea, we went by Hobby Lobby briefly to get a few things. It was so nice to linger thru the aisles without little people pulling things off shelves or running off - don't get me wrong, I love my little people! But to have this adult time, this girl time, was just what my soul needed. It was pouring rain outside most of the day, but that did not hinder my day; I am so happy, so thankful, I needed this so much. Oh now my house is a mess, yes, but my cup has been filled and so tomorrow I will get back to reality of cooking/cleaning/parenting and repeat, and I will have the energy to do so well.

God, thank You! You know just what I need and just when I need it. Thank you for blessing me with my new friends. Thank You for rainy afternoons and coffee shops. Thank You for community. Thank You , thank You, thank You. <3

Year 2 Cancer Check

This morning I went in for my annual ultrasound to look for any signs of reoccurring thyroid cancer. And once again, I let fear rule me and consume as I cried randomly throughout the day, worrying about the outcome and quietly pleading with God.

A few minutes ago I received the call from my doctor. "Hey, how are?" And I'm all, ain't nobody got time for small talk - what are the results, woman?! (Haha, not really but I said something similar.)

Negative. No signs of reoccurring cancer. All looks well. And all the weight I've taken upon myself is lifted and I cry tears of gratitude.

God, how do you put up with me - me of little faith? I believe I've written on this before - how many times does He have to prove His faithfulness before I accept it and rest in His arms of peace? Why do I allow worry to cloud my mind when worry will not change a single thing?!

Today I am overcome with thankfulness. Thankful for a clean bill of health, and thankful for a patient Savior.

Asher's 1st Grade Performance

Tuesday April 21st 2015

He played Acorn #12 and had two solo lines, "And look! It's peaking through the clouds and warming everyone!"

Sweet Moments

This morning I had a conversation with each both that reflected their unique personality traits.

Zeke was telling me his plan...that at 14 he will get a job making ____ and he will save _____ much for car, save _____ much for future house, and allow himself ____ much for "spending". He spoke of his plans to buy a car by 16 and to buy a house right after finishing college. That's my Zeke. The responsible one. The planner.

Asher was telling me about an incident on the school play ground. A boy who was playing with Asher and his friend said a bad word, a word my kids aren't allowed to say. Asher told him his mom doesn't want him playing with kids who said bad words - but he was quick to tell this boy that they can still play, just please don't say that word around him. What a tricky situation! We aren't to judge or control others, yet we need to stand guard and protect our heart. We read Romans 12, and focused a lot on verse 18:

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Other highlights we touched were to be "devoted to one another in brotherly love" (v. 10) and to "live in harmony with one another" (v. 16), and 1 Timothy 4:12 where he talks about setting an example in speech, actions, etc. 

And that's my Asher; always trying to do what is right.

Easter 2015

Sunday April 5th, 2015

Asher's

Zeke's.

We started reading the Easter story on (Good) Friday. We finished reading it on Easter Sunday before giving the kids their Easter baskets. We went to church and then came home and had a little egg hunt in our apartment. For lunch/dinner we had grassfed beef roast slow cooked in filter water, onions and seasonings. The boys helped me chop up potatoes, green beans and carrots that we baked in coconut oil and seasonings. We had a relaxing rest of day including plenty of play time and perhaps a nap. ;)

You know how in different seasons of life you see things differently or understand them in a new way? This Easter I am so grateful that yes, my sins are forgiven because of what Christ did, but even more so that HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS. His resurrection is proof of that. And that to me, this season of life, means so much to me...He kept His word.