Time

It scares me how easily out of breathe I can get.

Going up stairs, walking around around the house doing things, going on the trampoline for only minutes, walking --- it's scary.

It is not a surprise how badly I've gotten out of shape. I'm the heaviest I've been. And though I can blame it on my slew of health conditions (not having a thyroid due to thyroid cancer, premature ovarian failure and having to be on HRT for that), the truth is I've not been doing my part to be the best version of myself.

Physically, mentally, spiritually --- I'm fading slowly.

I remember thinking, if only I could get some time off from work to refocus on health and giving my all to attaining it. But we don't live in such a world where we can abandon things like earning a paycheck and paying bills. I have children dependent on me - which is exactly why action needs to be taken.

I'm on week three or four of working from home due to the Coronavirus outbreak. Although I'm working 8+ hours a day, still, it's amazing the extra time I have. I have started to contemplate how this may be a blessing in disguise; to focus on health.

My goal for the month of April is to walk 2 miles a day/or walk for 30 minutes straight. I've been doing just that with watching Leslie Sansone fitness videos on YouTube. I'm contemplating adding additional workouts because, after all, I do just sit at a desk for work. Nicht gut.

Growing up, I didn't have a weight issue. This is something that has only developed in my adulthood and has slowly worsened every year. I don't want to live with the feelings of energy and confidance being a thing of the past. I want that in the present. I'm also increasingly disheartened by how easily discouraged I become. The mental aspect of my struggle is real, and my self-control is real small.

God has saved me from cancer.
God has saved me from abuse.
God has saved my life over and over again.

What am I doing with this life that He's given me?

Times are certainly scary, and I do hope to write more about the specifics, but for now I want to focus on the one thing I've been given --- which is a blessing --- and that is time; time to devote to prayer, exercise and health.

Welcome to 2020!

Why hello there!

It is crazy to think I started this blog nearly 9 years ago. I was in a completely different season of life and have been through so much in those years. Cross country move(s), health crisis, divorce, single parenting, going back to college, career changes, marriage - yikes, it's been a whirlwind for sure! 

Though there's been gaps in time of my writing, my love for writing and documenting life's journeys has not changed. In a world of vloggers, I am still a lover of words, pictures and quiet time to type my thoughts and feels.

I've considered starting a new blog, all things considered, but right now, as my mind draws blanks, I think I'll stick around here a bit longer until I receive clarity.

My kids are all much older - 16, 12 and 9 - and we have added two more to the bunch! My two stepsons who are 10 and 9. I am five months married to an incredible man, Michael, who has been a godsend and truly an answer to so many prayers.

We are living in weird times right now as the coronavirus (COVID-19) is spreading and social distancing is encouraged. This week I'll be going on week three of working from home and the kids not going to school. What a time to be alive! So many thoughts on this...might have to talk about it more later.

My hope is to get back to writing on a regular basis. To document life and lessons and growth and even setbacks. Life is hard and painful at times but through it all I can say God is good. And if there's one thing I want my kids (and even others) to know it's you can always lean on Him.

January 17, 2018

NOTE:
Another post never published and left in drafts. Choosing to publish to serve as a reminder. 


I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I struggle with having faith. But it ALWAYS come back to this...when He speaks to me!

I am a worrier by nature. I always come up with worst case scenarios and then run with it. When I have been in the most terrifying situations of my life, HE HAS SPOKEN A PEACEFUL WORD and every single freakin' time it has come to pass. NO MATTER WHAT THE PEOPLE SAID, NO MATTER WHAT THE RESULTS SHOWED, what He said prevailed over it all. And y'all, I cannot explain THE WHY. There's no way I could come up with this on my own. There's. no. stinkin'. way.

This is how I know He's real. He talks to me.

I sooooo needed this reminder tonight.

His Voice

NOTE:
This was originally written on 5/1/17 - why I never posted it - well, probably a lack of faith. I am posting it now to serve as a reminder for myself and encouragement to others. Listen to Him - even if the world dare says different, listen to the Father for He is trustworthy.

Monday May 1 2017

I was feeling especially down. Day 3 of strep throat, the week of finals, no less, all weekend plans had to be canceled, just days prior finding out I may have re-occurring thyroid cancer. It was too much. I started asking in anger WHY?! Like if this is all my life is going to be, fighting to stay alive, then what is the point of BEING alive?! And by the end of that day I felt a peace that said, "This is not cancer." And though I want to shout this from the roof tops, part of me is like, "but what if this test comes back saying this or that? Then people will think of God as a liar, or think I'm a loonie, or what if it causes my faith flounders?" etc. etc. But today at the Healing Rooms - they told me to go with it. There's my answer from God - that "what if"? That's from the enemy.

It was an evening in November 2012 and I was getting out of the shower. I was listening to Q100 radio station. They were talking about Brooke Burke's recent diagnosis with thyroid cancer. This was after my biopsy but before surgery, this was still in my "wait". They were just talking about her and I felt a peace saying that I do have thyroid cancer. And it wasn't scary, but it was a peace. And that is how I went in on surgery day and everything was OK but HE HAD TOLD ME IN ADVANCE. And the frozen section came back as no cancer but a week or so later, lab work said yes it was! So He was right.

He prepares us in advance. His VOICE IS PEACE.

As I left the Healing Rooms this evening, storm clouds hovered overhead, and it started to rain. He makes all things new. About 5 weeks ago, I was leaving prayer at my church because I was facing another potentially scary diagnosis. It was raining lightly and He makes all things new came to mind. I had peace then.

God is doing something big here. Preparing for something big, or something - I am not sure of the details but SOMETHING BIG IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. I'm clinging to what He said - I am believing that word was from Him. I will enjoy this rain as it falls down on earth and I thank my Father and Creator for providing rain which nourishes, which helps things to growth.

Surrender

What is life? 

About a month ago I went in for my yearly (thyroid) cancer screening. This would be year 4. My friend and mentor, Brenda, came with. I knew something was up in the ultrasound...the things she made me do, she said it was just her technique, but I just knew. Sure enough I got a call the next day (when usually I hear back same day) saying two nodules were found and I'd be needing a biopsy.

Tuesday May 16th

Me with my "surrogate mommy" Brenda

Biopsy came about two weeks later. Fargo bound to my endocrinologist with Brenda once again by my side. 4 needles. He kept commenting how small. It seemed like a struggle. He was shaking the needle vigorously once injected. It actually hurt my throat this time. And it hurt my neck for days to come.

Not even 24 hours later I got the call. Here we go, round two.

Friday, May 19th

Two days later I was back in Fargo with Brenda, undergoing a CT scan. I was so scared. A vein busted. It was gross. 

And "what a day" perfectly explains my feels for that day.

There was gap of time so Brenda and I met her daughter for lunch at the Toasted Frog, then got donuts and stopped by the Fargo mall.

After killing the extra time just chillin in the car (we were exhausted, I had my appointment with the ENT who would be performing the surgery; he (Dr. Terrell) shoved something down my nose and throat to check out my voice box, which he said looked alright. He said he would have another doctor (Dr. Lalich) help him with the surgery. He said risks were slightly increased this go 'round; damage to vocal nerves going from 1% to 5%, then something about calcium. He also had an oncology nurse (from The Roger Maris Cancer Center) come in with him who gave me her card...wow, this is really happening, I can't believe it. But yet there was somehow peace in knowing there was a plan set. Surgery; June 12th. Radioactive iodine treatment to start approximately 6 weeks after (doctor prepping me right after surgery by taking me off thyroid meds - all but Cytomel). She isn't saying YES 100% to radioactive iodine, but she said most likely; I will see her 4 weeks after surgery July 12th.

Wednesday, May 24th

I waited to tell the kids until after all this took place...I shared the news with them with our counselors. The moment I brought up my thyroid, Zeke was in tears. He and Asher handled it the worse; questions, crying and shutting down. Zeke takes on the weight of the world so I can only imagine how he was internalizing it. Asher asking why is this happening to me, again. Prior to telling the kids, I'd been worked hard to create a support system for them by prepping the boys' Big Brothers, their schools, friends, etc. to help ensure they have a solid support system in the days to follow.

Here we are 6 days til surgery.

The emotions have been much different this time. Shortly after finding out my need for a biopsy, I came down with an awful case of strep throat; 3 days of fevers and indescribable pain. I started asking God what's the point of me being alive if it's just going to be a fight to stay alive? I felt Him say, "That is not cancer." And I felt a peace which transcends all understanding. So getting this diagnosis after, it rocked my world. God, do I not know Your voice? Did I miss understand? God, can I trust You?


UPDATE.                                  Saturday, June 17th

I am sitting here 5 days post op and wow, what a week it's been! Sweet notes like this one have helped ease the pain throughout the process.

From a lady (Ramie) who works at the church I work out (I'm daycare side, she's church side).

Immediately from finding out the cancer had resurfaced, my friend, Fallon, took the initiative to start a GoFundMe but in addition, has put together a benefit/silent auction! I am humbled, speechless, as she has a busy life herself and has taken this role upon herself to help me and my family. I'm grateful!

Ex. of GoFundMe

Benefit/silent auction

She has been going out into our community to gather donations for the silent auction. She's been in contact with my boss who has reached out to the church we work at to allow the benefit to be held there. Remember the first friend I met in ND, Jessica? She and her husband now own a butcher shop and they will be donating the meat for the spaghetti dinner served. I've had several co-workers step up and offering to help including Tiffany who lost her mother to breast cancer years ago. I have received financial donations and gift donations (for silent auction), sweet notes, prayers and support from so many unsuspecting people. Boys from Zeke's Boy Scout troop will also be helping with the benefit as well. So many people are coming together for me and my little ole family and I am humbled and full of gratitude! 

The Tuesday before surgery, my boss along with all the church pastors/staff came together and laid hands/annointed oil and prayed for me. I was in tears. The day before I was at the Healing Rooms receiving more prayer. A "phone friend" of mine, Nicholas, said a beautiful prayer for me as well. So many prayers, from so many sources! It's amazing how God can work through others!

Friday, June 9th was our last night together as a family. We got Dairy Queen.

Saturday, Asher spent the day with his best bud, Kylie, while Macie and I drove Zeke up to Williston to stay with their dad. It was my first time trekking that drive and my gosh, it wasn't the most fun. We hugged and kissed Zeke goodbye and Macie and I headed back home.

No filter.

Filter.

I am so in-love with North Dakota it's not even funny. Where I once struggled finding beauty and community, I am now surrounded in it. After visiting my sis in Mass (where I lived as a child) and driving through 8 states, it just confirmed my love for where I'm at.

I went to the walk-in Saturday night as I had this nasty phlegm cough. Doctor said my lungs were clear and it appears to either be a cold (no, all was clear) or allergies. She suggested Zyrtec and Mucinex. Ms. Anti-Pharma me went straight to CVS for said meds. I just didn't want anything to delay surgery...again. Surgery the first time got delayed a couple of times due to illness. I sent out mass texts asking for prayers of healing. Sunday wasn't looking too hopeful.

Sunday night Ash and Macie camped out in the living room with me.

Sunday night I spoke with the OR department who didn't sound hopeful about the surgery happening, but she told me to call first thing in the morning and they'd page my doctor. So, 7:15am I called and made sure they knew I was coming from three hours west so I would need an answer soon in order to be to the hospital by 12 for my 2:30pm surgery (I was supposed to have the first surgery of the day but that's a huge other story but it's funny how God works things out anyways).

The anesthesiologist called me (Dr. Bob?) and basically his only concern was if there were asthma or fever, and since there were neither, surgery was on! I dropped Asher and Macie off with Fallon's daughter, Brenda and her aunt picked me up from my apartment and Fargo bound we were!

I was nervous. We got to the hospital a little after 12. It's funny how every hospital does things differently, but that's ok. After I signed in, they called me back quickly. I changed and went through a lot of the process with Brenda by my side. I shared fears, I cried. I tried clinging to Scripture and Christian lyrics. I posted much on Facebook during the wait! Ultimately, Dr. Bob came in, he was nice, friendly old man. We chatted about surgery, about family things, he was so kind. I could tell he was a Christian. Well, he's a pic of my Facebook status - it's a bit all over the place but explains what happened.

I hope to never forget Dr. Bob. Father of 4, former surgeon who has had 25 of his own surgeries, whose wife is in Europe right now with their daughter the professional dancer, who used to vacation in a cabin in the snowy hills of Colorado. It's amazing how God places people in our lives.

Dr. Terrell came in and was kind as always. I believe I am truly blessed with the best doctors this time around.

They had the operating room ready an hour early, so they wheeled me off. I cried along the way, and the OR nurse came out and asked if I need a mama hug, then proceeded to give me one. She said, "There! There's a mama hug and a grandmama hug." She had a sweet southern accent which I'll always treasure. There were only a few nurses in the OR room but they were all so kind as I hopped onto the operating table and they did whatever they did that knocked me out. I woke up in recovery after being there for an hour. I was thristy as all get out. I just kept asking for more and more water, but I never fell back asleep. After awhile I just asked for Brenda. After a total of about 2.5 hours in recovery, they wheeled me to my room and stopped by and grabbed Brenda. She said surgery took awhile because the doctor worked hard to find and isolate the nerves as to not cause damage to them. She then said that the surgery went well and they believe they got everything. Praise the Lord. She and her aunt then left as it was late (7 something or 8 at night) and it was Brenda's birthday, no less, and so they went out for supper with her daughters that live in Fargo and then spent the night at her daughter's. 

I was very much so awake that entire night, sleeping only 15-30 minute increments. I'm still amazed at how alert I was; I anticipated being more sleepy. But I'm thankful I was able to call the kids and tell them I love them. I don't believe the nurse kept up on my pain meds, so I was in a bit of pain. I made the assumption pain med would be given when due, that I wouldn't have to ask, but I think she had the other impression. The next morning, Dr. Terrell stopped by and upped my med and there was nurse change and I feel like pain was managed better at that point. Also, Dr. Terrell made the decision to keep me another night.

Brenda visited briefly Tuesday morning, but left to give me rest. I did not rest, again, but I think the pain meds kept me awake. I mostly colored and watched TV. Dr. Terrell's assistant visited me over the lunch hour and then Dr. Terrell came back in the evening. See?! Good care! Apparently Fargo got a rough storm that night that I knew nothing off (we are in a bad drought). I was one thing of lightning and that was it.

Wednesday morning, the assistant came in again and tried taking out my drain tube but was unsuccessful. Dr. Terrell ended up removing it. I cried because it hurt and the reality of what if the pathology report comes back worse than initially thought?! This is what happened last time. I'm tired of false hope just to be let down. They offered letting me stay longer...they wanted me to meet with someone in Oncology...but I told them we had to go home, Brenda had already missed so much work for me, plus I had a counseling appointment that afternoon. Remember the oncology nurse I met with weeks prior from Roger Maris? She stopped by again as well. She decided to make an appointment for me with someone in oncology the day of my post op. Part of me loves being in the hospital and all the extra help, but another part of me was ready to get home and hopefully get sleep. Fallon picked up some Motrin PM and I took that along with my anti-anxiety med that night and for the first time in days, I slept.

Asher and Macie transferred to Jen's house Tuesday night. I have worked with two of her sweet daughters (McKayla & Katelyn). She has been amazing and so caring. She brought them by Wednesday for a quick visit, and then Katelyn brought them by Thursday so I could see them again.

By Friday, I was still dealing with dizziness/lightheadedness, so I Called the ENT who suggested I go have my blood pressure taken. I went to see Amanda at Lifeways and at first it was high, but then they took it three more times (laying, sitting, standing) and it was normal. They took blood and urine and said she would call me over the weekend with results.

Well, that evening I felt like I was coming down with a fever (mind you this was the day my kids were supposed to come home!). Zeke just got dropped off from his dad's, and McKayla swung by with a thermometer and according to that my temp was 100.5 I called the nurse line who recommended I go to the ER. McKayla and her boyfriend dropped me off at the ER and brought Zeke back to Jen's. Basically, I did not have a fever, but my blood pressure was SO high and my heart rate was SO high, that they had other concerns (I now believe this was due to an upset with something totally different but that's not important now). The doctor came in and started talking blood clots in my chest because of the coughing, dizziness and heart rate. He wanted to do a CT scan. I WAS BEYOND SCARED. I cried like a baby and called Brenda to come to the hospital. Jen even came without me having to ask. Brenda encouraged me to have more faith in God. I cried the entire time they wheeled me to CT. I had to wait a few minutes outside the room and all I could do was say "Jesus" over and over and over. The CT happened and this time the IV didn't bust.

Jen and Brenda helped me laughing and entertained in the room while we waited. All my labs came back good, including calcium (which is a concern with thyroid surgery). The doctor came in and high-fived me; no blood clots. By the time we left, it was 10pm, Macie was asleep and they both encouraged me to go home and sleep and let the kids stay at Jen's.

Saturday (this morning), my sister gave me a good ole lecture on why I need rest to heal so I can be there for the kids. So I reached out to Jen to see if the kids could stay through the weekend, but that I did want to see them for a few hours today. She agreed.

I took my kids for a few hours. We drove to Verizon so I could return their Gizmo's which didn't end up working at all. Then came home, played, ate and watched TV.

We also opened a box from our friends, the Isbell's, back in Georgia. They got together with two other families from our Cub Scout troop in GA (the Seeks & McGowans) and put together a sweet care package with fun games, cards, gift cards. It came at the perfect time as I'm struggling with feeling loved and then this sweet reminder comes in to remind me there are people 1600 miles away who love and care for us deeply. 

This melted me.

I cannot emphasize the gratitude I have. I cannot repay what all has been done for us. I do look forward to treasuring this within my heart and pouring it into someone else.

I am learning to surrender to God during this season. I do not know all the why's and reason's but I am learning to let-go of my control and surrender to Him and what He is doing in the midst of it all. Surrender is the theme of this season. I may continue to wrestle as I sadly attempt control, but may He gently remind me of Who is in control and He plans are always greater than mine.

Final update from July appointment with endocrinologist:

Easter Trip To Bozeman

Friday April 14th - Monday April 17th, 2017

Easter weekend

So, I did something crazy; I took my kids on a surprise trip to Bozeman, Montana! See, we've never been to Bozeman, let alone Montana and we live too close to not visit...the kids had a long weekend off from school...I got the time off of work...I thought it being a surprise would add to it. Looking back, I may not do the total surprise thing (I packed and loaded the car the night before and did not tell the kids until we were on the interstate!), they deserve to know so they can process, but nevertheless, it was a fun trip. I am grateful that a single mama like myself was able to bless my kids with this little getaway! 

Bozeman is about 7.5 hours from us.

No joke, I literally pulled off the interstate to take these pics. Can ya blame me?!

This made us giggle since we used to live in (a) Forsyth county. We also passed a sign for Dawson (another name of a neighboring county we lived by in the past).

Welcome to Bozeman! Though I believe this pic was actually taken when we left. ;)

Have I ever shared my love of mountains?

The kiddos enjoyed the pool after a long ride in the car! They enjoyed swimming a 

bit every day we were there (minus the day we left).

The time change (central to mountain) kind of messed us up; we were all up by 5am! 

Our first morning there we awoke to snow!

Bozeman is a cute little town for sure!

Two of the grizzlies at this encounter are actually from Georgia! Sweet little things like this meant so much to my kids, who repeatedly answered, "Where are you guys from?" with, "Georgia" even though we haven't resided there in almost 4 years! Macie (and almost Asher) have lived most of their lives in another state at this point, yet Georgia will always be their home!

Easter mornin' family selfie. :) We found a little church to visit. Asher and Macie both wanted to attend Sunday school which surpised me a tad being they're unfamiliar with this church, but hey, whatever floats your boat, kiddos!

Easter Sunday we went exploring! We felt especially grateful to spend a such a special holiday in God's gorgeous creation!

Monday morning meant back to reality...I don't think any of us wanted to leave!

Drive through the mountains.

 My faves. Taken the day we arrived.

Thank You, Father, for providing and allowing this amazing trip with my little family! <3